


A Little Something like Fate

by ThisBeautifulChaos



Category: The Ultimate Sidemen
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-13
Updated: 2016-12-13
Packaged: 2018-09-08 09:57:41
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 27,484
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8840164
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ThisBeautifulChaos/pseuds/ThisBeautifulChaos
Summary: So this was originally going to be posted on my Minizerk One Shots, but it turned into something completely more than that. This was a prompt originally given to me. Before I post that prompt, you can leave me more story suggestions under Minizerk One Shots
The prompt: I really love the thought of fate and destiny. I want to believe it's real, and that one day someone will come into your life and stay there for whatever reason. So with that being said, I would love to read about Simon and Josh meeting for the first time, perhaps a blind date of some sorts. They hit it off, and promise to keep contact, but somehow they lose touch. Maybe they'll meet up a couple of times again but the timing isn't just right yet. Eventually, they find each other again and fall in love and all that other sappy shit. (:
Before you read: I went off this prompt. It may not be exactly how the prompt asks but I decided to give it a spin of my own that I actually ended up liking, so I kept it. 
Feed back is always appreciated and encouraged. This is also a work of fiction and is also mine so if you wish to post it anywhere else please let me know beforehand. Anyway without further ado. Enjoy!





	

“JJ, what the fuck is this?” Simon Minter asks angrily, shoving his phone in his best friend’s face. He lets out a loud cackle and looks over at their other friend, Ethan, who is sitting on the couch next to them, angrily bashing buttons on the game of FIFA going on in front of him. 

“I uh..” He lets out another laugh, “I may have downloaded Grindr onto your phone without you looking.”

Simon looks at him as his jaw slightly drops. He has been out for a couple years now. He was never hesitant about telling his brothers that he was gay, he knew they would accept him a hundred perfect. His parents also were not a huge worry. The biggest concern he had, however, were how his best and only friends were going to take it. 

He remembers confiding in JJ about how his feelings towards boys were different than his feelings towards girls.

At first JJ was confused by what that meant, but slowly and surely he understood, making it his mission to make sure Simon got treated the way he deserved. He will never forget the first time he had feelings for another boy. They were 15 and Simon had told JJ about this kid he’d been talking to on the internet named Harry. He went to the all boys private school just 15 minutes away from their own coed school in London. Before they had even become serious, JJ forced Simon to let him meet him, forcing Ethan to come along on a double date. When they had arrived at the small restaurant on the outskirts of London, Ethan was running 20 minutes late, not that that was unusual for him, the kid was late to everything. They sat waiting in the small booth as JJ ran down Harry with a load of questions making it uncomfortable and awkward for both of them. Simon wanted desperately to sink into himself and pretend he wasn’t even there. He kept flashing Harry apologetic eyes as he watched the smaller boy squirm. After what felt like hours Ethan came tumbling through the door, throwing off his scarf and looking around for his mates. It didn’t take long for his eyes to land on them and come walking over, a huge smile on his face.

“So, Simon where’s this hot date of yours JJ keeps telling me about?” He asks, pushing JJ over to make room for himself in the booth.

Harry coughs awkwardly as Simon turns a deep shade of red. 

“JJ," Simon mumbles, jerking his head in Harry’s direction.

JJ’s eyebrows shoot up in remembrance, “Oh yeah, Ethan, Simon is gay and that’s his date.” He throws Simon a small thumbs up letting him know he’s got him. 

Simon lets out a sigh and takes a deep breath, “This is Harry.” He says, motioning for the other boy to not be so shy.

Ethan stares between the boys for a moment, “You’re gay?” He asks then right as the waiter brings over some bread, immediately Ethan takes a roll and tears into it.

Simon just nods then, feeling even more uncomfortable than before. 

“Congratulations, mate,” He then responds, taking another roll, being done with the conversation. The rest of the evening goes on as Simon predicted it would. Harry laughing uncomfortably as JJ asks him if he has protection, Ethan eating loudly while flirting with the waitress, and Simon, not knowing if he should hate his friends for ruining his first date, or love them for wanting the best for him even though they are embarrassing as hell. 

“I cannot believe you downloaded Grindr onto my phone.” Simon scoffs, reading the immediate chats and requests he has after only a half an hour. When did JJ even get a hold of his phone to do this? 

“Look Si, you have been mopey and sad ever since you and Harry broke up.” He says gently. 

“I have not.” Simon mumbles, immediately getting a sick feeling in his stomach from the mentioning of his name. 

“You guys were together for 2 years. He broke up with you a month ago, it’s okay to admit it hurts.” JJ places a warm hand on his shoulder and squeezes. 

“I know.” He whispers, letting his eyes fall to the t.v, watching as Ethan scores a header. 

“Fuck yes,” He shouts. He then pauses the game and turns to Simon and JJ.

“Harry was a douchebag, you didn’t deserve him anyway Si, I can’t believe we were all even friends with him in the first place.”

Simon was grateful his friends were there to back him up. Not only have they been extremely supportive, they have also made it their duty to find Simon a comeback. Someone who is even “hotter” and “kinder” than Harry. Simon is flattered, but sadly, not interested. 

He holds down the Grindr app as the rest of his apps begin to shake, tiny ex’s appearing in the corner ready to delete anything unwanted. 

“Wait Simon, don’t delete it.” JJ says, reaching to grab the phone out of his reach. Simon moves his phone out of JJ's reach, laughing as JJ grabs his hips and starts tickling him. Reflexively, Simon drops his phone and JJ grabs it, pushing Simon out the way to keep him from taking it back. 

“Just look around, Simon, no one is telling you to suck a dick.” He jokes, rolling his eyes. 

“I don’t want to look,” He groans right as he hears another notification go off. 

“JJ, delete it.” Simon takes a pillow off the couch and pushes his face into the soft fabric, letting out a frustrated groan as JJ laughs.

“Ooo, Lewis wants to know what you’re into.” JJ announces. Simon jumps up, grabbing for the phone as JJ lunges away from him once more, his fingers flying over the keypad. 

“I’m into anything, babe, how about you?” JJ says out loud as his fingers move at rapid pace. 

“JJ I swear to fucking god.” Simon yells at him, reaching desperately to get his phone back as Ethan ignores them, continuing his game without even flashing a glance in their direction.

“Done and sent.” He laughs, tossing Simon’s phone on the couch as he rushes over to grab it. 

His eyes skim over the exchange of text, noting the large amount of typos JJ has made from Simon trying to wrestle the phone out his hands as he tried to type. 

A message pops up then and reads, “Kinky ;) when can we meet up?” 

With a groan he throws his phone onto the couch and sinks back down, shooting him a dirty look before crossing his arms over his chest.

“What did he say?” JJ laughs.

“Kinky, when can we meet.” Simon grumbles, watching as JJ holds back another laugh. 

“Well, are you gonna meet up with him?” Ethan asks suddenly, letting out a steam of curses as he gets slide tackled. 

“No, I’m not gonna meet him, are you crazy?” 

Ethan shrugs, “Maybe you should.” 

Simon shoots him a weird look, “I don’t want hookups.”

Ethan snorts, “Oh, so you want true love then.”

Simon lets out a scoff, “Love doesn’t exist, it’s just a bunch of bullshit people tell themselves so they don’t have to die alone.”

“Jeez, Si, a little morbid, no?” Ethan chuckles. 

“What do you want then Simon?” JJ interrupts. Simon thinks about this for a minute. What does he want? He has no idea. 

“I want… To get really really drunk.” 

JJ hollers at this and Ethan rolls his eyes. 

“And who is going to serve a bunch of 17 year olds alcohol?” Ethan asks. 

“We can call Tobi and see if he wants to hang with us tonight, he turned 18 a couple weeks ago.” JJ suggests. 

Ethan frowns, “Can’t we just oder pizza and play some video games or like watch a movie or something?” He asks.

Simon groans, “We do that every Friday night.”

“Yeah, because it’s fun,” Ethan scoffs. 

“Tobi’s on his way,” JJ smiles, tossing his phone next to Simon’s on the couch, “and he’s bringing booze.” 

“Just great,” Ethan mumbles and Simon feels sort of bad. He knows Ethan doesn’t drink because of his stepfather's "small" problem and by small Simon means big. He puts a comforting hand on Ethan’s shoulder and gives him a reassuring smile.

30 minutes later, the front door is being knocked on, and JJ's parents voices flood upstairs, a second later, footsteps are heard coming down the basement stairs and Tobi appears, a backpack thrown on his shoulders. 

“How’s it going, guys?” He asks, taking off his bag and slipping off his shoes. Everyone says their hellos as Tobi makes himself comfortable on the floor, watching Ethan switch out the games. 

“Heard you brought some alcohol.” Simon says, nodding his head towards his bag.

Tobi smiles, “I did, I did.” He slides the bottle out and twists open the cap, taking a sip and pulling a sour face when he swallows, he then passes it to JJ who slides it over to Simon. The liquid is bitter and tastes gross, but that doesn’t stop him from taking another shot. He holds it out to Ethan who politely shakes his head. Simon hands the bottle back to Tobi. They go around like this for a while, laughing and drinking from the bottle until all of them are slightly tipsy and Simon is feeling brave enough to rant.

“I just can’t believe he would do that to me, you know?” Simon says, shaking his head, feeling his emotions settle into his stomach. 

“Oh yeah, I never said I was sorry about that, Simon.” Tobi says, patting his knee in support. Everyone who was close to Simon knew about the break up. The first weeks really took a tole on him. Sleep became nonexistent, his stomach could barely hold anything down. His chest physically hurt and his limbs were heavy from crying at night, keeping him up wondering what he did wrong; what he could have done differently. A part of him was gone after that night. JJ noticed, Ethan noticed, his parents noticed, and he couldn’t change it. Not alive, just existing. Replaying the words Harry said to him over and over on repeat in his head. He doesn’t know if he’ll ever be okay again. 

He shakes his head, “I thought he loved me.”

He knows how pathetic he sounds, but that doesn’t stop him. “It just happened over night. We go from talking everyday to him leaving me on read for days at a time, ignoring my calls until he flat out tells me one day he isn’t in love with me and that he hasn’t been faithful to me and that I tied him down and made him feel suffocated because I was too clingy.” He states flatly, his chest filling with that familiar feeling as he reminds himself to breathe. “Who can say that to someone?” He asks, grabbing the bottle and taking a big drink. He wipes his mouth with the back of his hand as he hands the bottle back to Tobi. 

“A jerk who doesn’t deserve you, that’s who.” Tobi says. 

“I always told you that he didn’t treat you right, ever since that first night we all went out, I could see it.” JJ shakes his head, running his hand through Simon’s hair. 

Tobi’s phone vibrates then and he grabs it to read his text. His eyes dart around the room as he starts to chew on his bottom lip.

“Everything okay?” Simon asks. 

“Yeah, I just…” He shakes his head, “I shouldn’t say anything, it’s not my place.” 

JJ and Simon both shoot him confused glances. Tobi clears his throat. “I actually know someone, that I think you would like Simon.” He says. 

“Who?” He asks cautiously.

“My friend Josh. He’s coming to stay with me this summer from Norway, where he’s been living with his mum for about a year… His dad is kind of a mess. We went to school together before he left, he’s gay, but not out so…” Tobi shrugs, looking at Simon unsure.

He sits for a moment taking it all in. Tobi didn’t go the same school as them. Originally JJ and Tobi were friends from a summer football league they were in together a couple summers ago. Tobi started coming around a lot, and realizing he lived quite close, he became a really close friend to Simon and Ethan as well. He has also mentioned Josh a couple of times, but Simon has never met him nor seen a picture of him. 

“I don't know man, I just don’t think I’m ready for anything right now.” Simon shrugs sheepishly as JJ shoots him a look.

“You need to get over Harry, and I’m not saying use Josh to do it, I just can’t stand to see you like this anymore, Si.” JJ says.

“Maybe you could just get to know him and be friends, nothing serious.” Ethan chimes in. 

“I can talk to him for you, see if he wants to go out sometime?” Tobi suggests.

All of a sudden Simon feels the need for air. He looks around at the 6 eyes staring at him, waiting for his answer. 

“Okay.” He says finally, wanting their eyes off of him. 

JJ sends him a big smile and scoops him into a hug. “This will be good for you.” 

“His flight leaves tomorrow, I’m going to pick him up from the airport later that night. I’ll talk to him then and see if he’s down to go out.” Tobi says, looking down at his phone to text Josh back. For a moment Simon wonders what Tobi is saying to him. 

Tobi then stands and stretches his back, “It’s getting late,” He says, gathering his backpack and sliding it back on. “I should skeet before my mum starts calling. Don’t worry about paying for the bottle, It’s on me.” 

“Thanks Tob.” JJ says, standing to hug him goodbye. After everyone has said their goodbyes Tobi disappears up the stairs. 

When he’s gone Ethan turns to Simon, “Tobi said that Josh wasn’t out.” 

Simon shrugs, “And?” 

“That doesn’t bother you?” 

Simon thinks for a moment, not seeing how it would bother him. “No, he will when he is ready.” 

“Harry wasn’t out when you guys started talking, that’s why he got so pissed at you on your guys’ first date. He nearly killed you when he saw me there, and Ethan.” JJ chimes in. 

“He came out though eventually.” Simon states.

“Only because he wanted to cheat on you.” Ethan says flatly and Simon’s face falls.

“I’m sorry Si, but you know it’s true.” 

“Yeah, I know,” He sighs. 

“Let’s not think about that now. I’m going to shower and head to bed.” JJ says standing, walking over to the closet and pulling out the blankets and pillows Simon and Ethan use every time they stay over, which is almost every Friday. 

Simon takes two of the four blankets and lays them out on the floor, setting up the pillows on top and crawling under them. Ethan is soon next to him and they are both laying on their backs staring up at the ceiling.

“You know you don’t have to go out with this Josh guy if you don’t want to, right?” Ethan asks quietly.

“I know, I think I want to.” Simon replies simply. Closing his eyes as his tipsy limbs beg for sleep. 

“Harry was pretty shitty to you.” 

“He was.” 

“Like really shitty.” 

“I know.”

“Like that one time he got angry at you because that guy working at Starbucks was trying to flirt with yo,u so he left you there and you had to call me to pick you up.” 

“Ethan please.” Simon says then, remembering that day all too well. 

“I’m sorry Si, I really am.” He says then, patting his arm, his voice sad and genuine. Simon hates it. Hates how his friends take pity on him and think he is fragile, all because Harry thought it was okay to break him. 

They lay silently for what seems like hours, Simon falling in and out of sleep, his body begging for more than 4 hours. Soon the lights go out and the tv gets turned off as JJ crawls next to Simon, leaving him in the middle. He whispers a quick goodnight and I love you to him and Ethan. He listens as Ethan says it back. Simon remains silent, eyes closed shut begging for sleep. After a while he listens as JJ’s soft breaths turn into snores and feels Ethan curling up next to him in a ball. He is safe and warm but empty and sad. He squeezes his eyes shut as he feels the stinging behind his eyes, he angrily brushes away a tear that has slipped passed, cursing himself. He grabs around the covers for his phone and slips his head under the covers so the brightness doesn’t wake up Ethan or JJ, and slowly unlocks it. He first checks the time. 

3:34 am. 

His hand hovers over his messages and eventually clicks Harry’s name. He starts slowly sliding up, going through tons and tons of messages that Simon is so reluctant to delete. He feels another tear slide past as he, once again, brushes it away.

Angrily, he presses the lock button on his phone and lets it rest against his chest. _What are you doing, Simon?_ He asks himself. He lay still for a moment, slowly feeling the urge for oxygen. He ignores it and slides open his phone one more time and goes back to the messages sent between him and Harry.

Before he even knows what he’s doing, he has typed it and sent it.

Simon:  _“You awake?"_

Almost immediately he regrets it. He puts his head above the covers and takes a deep breath, the cool air feeling good from being under the covers for a while. He closes his eyes and feels himself falling asleep. Suddenly a loud vibration slices through the air and he jumps. Ethan stirs some before becoming still. JJ doesn’t even notice, being the deep sleeper he is. 

Going back under the covers he checks the time again, 4:15 am. It’s Harry. Simon’s heart leaps.

Harry:  _“Can’t sleep, missing you.”_

Simon bites his lip and turns his phone off, throwing the cover off his head and rolling over on his hip, trying to ignore the tingling in his fingertips to text Harry back. He won’t. He closes his eyes and tries his best to get Harry’s image out of his head, but nothing seems to be working.

+++

Simon slowly opens his eyes and looks around the dimly lit basement.

“Good morning, sleepyhead.” JJ says smiling at him, a mug in one hand and his phone in the other. He rubs his eyes and smiles sleepily at JJ. 

“What time is it?” He asks.

JJ lets out a small chuckle, “It’s only 8 babe.”

“Where’s Ethan?” He asks.

“Shower, you want some tea?” He asks, holding his mug out for Simon to take. He shakes his head yawning.

“What time did you end up going to bed? I know you haven’t been sleeping well.” 

“I actually have no idea.” He says, even though he’s pretty sure it was somewhere around five. He grabs his phone to look at his messages when he remembers he turned it off. He also remembers Harry texting him last night. He holds down the power button until he sees the small apple symbol, soon his lock screen is on and showing him his messages.

4:34 am. Harry:  _"Are you asleep?”_

4:56 am. Harry: “ _Can you call me sometime?”_

5:15 am. Harry:  _“Goodnight Si.”_

7:55 am Tobi: “ _Talked to Josh, he wants to meet you :)”_

Simon closes his phone and shuts his eyes, feeling a migraine starting in his temples. 

“You okay?” JJ asks, noting the panicked look on Simon’s face. 

“Harry’s been texting me.” He says quietly. 

JJ pauses for a moment, “Oh?” he says, raising his eyebrows. Simon nods.

“What has he been saying?” 

Simon bites his lip, “I might have texted him first last night.” 

“What did _you_ say to him?” 

“I just asked if he was awake.”

“Okay,” JJ nods, taking a sip of his tea, “what did he say?” 

“He said he couldn’t sleep because he misses me and that I should call him.” He looks down, inspecting his own hands. 

“Simon… You’re not seriously going to talk to him are you?” JJ asks seriously.

“I.. I don’t know.” He responds honestly. 

“I’m just going to say this, Simon and nothing else because it’s your life, but he will just ruin you again.” 

Simon is quiet for a while, knowing JJ was right. “I know.” He whispers. 

“And what about Josh.”

Simon’s head snaps up, “What about him?” He asks.

“Don’t you want to meet him?” JJ asks, looking at him with confusion.

“Yes, but I don’t want to be more than friends.” 

“Because you’re still caught up on Harry.” He states. 

Simon shakes his head, “No, because I’m trying to get over Harry.”

“What? By texting him?” JJ scoffs. 

Simon stares at him, feeling anger slowly rise in his chest. He opens his mouth to speak when Ethan comes tumbling downstairs, hair wet with fresh clothes.

“Good morning my lovers.” He smirks, “Can we have some pancakes or something please. Ethan’s hungry.” 

JJ slowly averts his eyes from Simon to land on Ethan, “Yeah, let’s see what I have.” He stands up and walks over to the stairs stopping at the bottom and looking at Simon. “You coming Si? I can make chocolate chip.” and that was JJ’s way of saying sorry for what he said.

“Yeah, I’ll be there in a sec, I just gotta grab my phone charger.” 

They nod and make their way upstairs. Simon then slides out his phone and sends out a quick text.

8:47 Simon: _“Great Tobi, tell him I’m excited to meet him.”_

 +++

Upstairs Ethan is rummaging through the cabinets looking for anything they can use to make pancakes. He grabs multiple bowls, whisks, and spoons before heading to the fridge and grabbing milk and vegetable oil. JJ ended up not having chocolate chips so he insisted he run to the store to quickly grab some. Simon had told him it wasn’t a big deal but he ignored him. He knows JJ feels bad about what he said this morning.  

When JJ gets back they cook and eat and clean up the mess. JJ’s brother comes trudging down the stairs and grabs some food off their plates as JJ yells at him to piss off but lets him stay and chill anyway. When they’re done with that, Simon goes downstairs with JJ to help clean up the basement, grabbing the random soda cans and chips bags left from the night before. Then they say their goodbyes and Simon drops Ethan off before making his way back to own house to shower and get some sleep, hopefully. When Simon gets home he immediately goes to his room and plops on the bed, letting out a loud yawn as he slides off his shoes. Finally, he feels himself drifting asleep when his phone rings.

 “Fucking hell.” He mumbles, grabbing for it in his bed somewhere. Finally his hand grips it and he looks at the caller I.d. It’s Tobi.

 “Hello?” He grumbles, rubbing his eyes with his hands, yawning slightly. 

“Were you sleeping Si? I didn’t mean to wake you if you were.” Tobi apologizes.

 “No man, you’re good, what’s up?” Simon responds, trying to stifle another yawn from escaping his tired lips.  

“I told Josh you were excited to meet him, he wants to know if you’re free tonight for dinner?” 

Simon pauses and debates making an excuse to get out of it. “I uh, don’t know if tonight will work, Tobs,” He mumbles, not wanting to leave his bed the rest of the afternoon.

“Simon, is this just an excuse because you’re not ready to get over Harry?” He asks, his voice gentle and nonjudgemental. 

“Why does everyone keep saying I’m not over Harry? Is it not okay for me to want to be alone for a little bit and figure things out.” He snaps, his voice coming across a little harsh, he immediately regrets it.

“Of course it’s okay for you to want to be alone Si, but this whole not eating, not sleeping, wanting to drink all the time. That’s not being alone and figuring things out, that’s denial, and Ethan and JJ, they’re worried about you, okay? I think going out tonight is what you need, no more time.” He pauses for a moment and Simon falls silent with a loss of words, “I’m sorry if that was harsh.” 

“No, Tobi you’re just being honest.”

Simon knows sitting alone feeling sorry for himself was not the thing he should be doing. He should be going out and getting over Harry. He bites his lip and sighs, after a moment he answers. 

“Tell Josh that dinner sounds great.” He finally says, “Can you ask him if six works?” 

“I’m so proud of you for getting back out there. I will text him now and let you know what he says.” Tobi says excitedly. They hang up and moments later his phone buzzes with a text. 

1:34 pm Tobi:  _“He says six is perfect. He wants me to give you his number so he can pick you up._

1:35 pm Simon:  _“He wants to pick me up?”_

1:35 pm Tobi: _"Yes, is that okay?”_

1:40 pm Simon:  _“Sure._ ” 

A moment later Josh’s number is flashing on Simon’s screen. He quickly fills it into his phone and lets his fingers hover over the keys, wondering what to say to him. Finally he decides on: 

1:58 pm Simon: _“Hey, it’s me, Simon. Six sounds perfect :)”_  

Such a simple text that took him ages to write. Attached is his address. He nibbles on his bottom lip as he waits for Josh to respond.

He responds almost immediately. 

 1:59 pm Josh:  _“Great, I’ll let you know when I’m heading over. I can’t wait to meet you.”_  

Simon closes his phone and sets it next to him on his bed, his mind now racing with the idea of having to pick out an outfit, not look sleep deprived, and fix the one strand of hair on his head that will not for the life of him, stay in the place it should. JJ thinks it looks cute, it’s not cute. 

+++

By the time 5:30 rolls around, Simon is having a small panic attack. Ethan and JJ are sitting on his bed looking at him like he’s completely lost it. About 2 hours ago he sent them an SOS telling them to get their arses to his house immediately to help him get ready for for his date. Ethan was late, because he stopped to get donuts and JJ was taking a nap. They arrived 20 minutes ago. 

“You look fine Simon, calm down, yeah?” Ethan soothes, offering him a donut for the 3rd time tonight. He refuses, just like he did the other times. He can’t remember the last time a date made him feel this nervous, he wasn’t even this bad on his and Harry’s first date. 

The only boy Simon has ever been on a date with is Harry, the only boy he has ever kissed is Harry (besides JJ that one time), the only boy who has ever seen him naked is Harry. Harry was his first everything. His first love, his first kiss, his first heartbreak. For 2 years he never had to worry what he looked like or if he made a good impression. Everything with Harry was simple, except for when they weren’t. 

“I don't even know what this guy looks like, he has no social media, who the hell doesn’t have a Facebook?” Simon states incredulously, running his hand through his blonde hair for the 500th time in the past 2 hour.  

“Looks don’t matter, Simon, it’s all about the personality.” JJ says behind him, making Simon spin around to face him, a laugh escaping him.

“Say’s the guy who turned down that beautiful girl in the club because her front tooth was crooked.”

“No, her breath also smelt like cat food.” He states matter-of-factly. Ethan lets out a hearty chuckle. “It did, didn’t it.” They go on having the conversation about the girl in the club while Simon continues to fidget with his outfit. He feels his phone vibrate in his pocket. 

5:45 pm Josh:  _“I’m on my way over now.”_

“Fuck guys, he’s coming.” Simon turns to them and holds his arms out. “Okay, how do I look.” 

“Like you could make any straight boy gay.” JJ smirks, sending him a wink. Simon rolls his eyes at him.

“Ehh, maybe Bi at the most.” Ethan chimes in as Simon chucks a pillow at him. 

“How do I smell?” He asks a second later, holding his arms up and walking over to JJ who gives them a whiff. 

“Like Simon.” He says.

“Okay, and how does Simon smell?” Simon asks him.

 “Like, I don’t know, dude, you smell like you.” JJ shrugs. Simon rolls his eyes once more. 

 “I cannot deal with this.” He mumbles under his breath, sliding his shoes on.

“Stop being such a diva, babe,” JJ says quietly, scooting closer to him, “You’re gonna have a great time.”

“I am not a diva.” Simon mumbles as his phone vibrates once more against his thigh. He slides it out, already knowing what is says.

6:03 pm Josh:  _“I’m at your door :)”_

“He’s here.” He says, taking a deep breath and checking himself out one more time in the mirror.

“I call answering the door!” Ethan shouts, pushing himself off the bed.

“No, Ethan.” Simon calls, rushing after him, but Ethan has beaten him. He watches as the door slowly slides open. A tall boy stands, wearing a nice button up shirt with jeans that fit in all the right places. Dark hair and piercing green eyes cloud up Simon’s vision. Attraction fills him as he watches his eyes roam the room, taking in the new surroundings. 

“I’m looking for a Simon?” He laughs slightly, biting his lip nervously. 

Simon is frozen with awkwardness. Not wanting to say anything stupid, he says nothing at all. 

 He feels JJ slide his eyes over to him, waiting for him to speak. His mouth opens slightly but no words come out. It’s been so long since he’s actually allowed himself to feel attraction towards someone, whether it be sexual or platonic. Harry didn’t even like Simon hanging out with Ethan or JJ, but JJ ended up putting him in his place over that.  

“Fuck’s sake, it’s him.” JJ says walking over and grabbing Simon's arm, leading him over to the other boy. Simon watches as Josh slides his eyes over him, taking in his figure. His eyes travel down, causing Simon to feel exposed in a way he’s never felt before. Slowly they come back up and land on him, his green eyes boring intensely on Simon’s blue. 

“Hi.” Josh says then, extending his hand.  

“Hi.” Simon replies. His handshake is firm but his hands are warm and soft. 

“Are you ready to go?” He asks, jerking his thumb towards the door.

Simon smiles softly, “Yeah,” He nods and follows Josh out to his car.  

“Don’t forget to wear protection,” JJ calls from the doorway. Simon blushes a deep crimson as Josh opens the car door for him with a laugh.  

Simon sinks down into the smooth leather of Josh’s car. The first thing he notices is the smell. Like fresh leather and soap. He likes it a lot. Already he was wondering what _Josh_ smelt like. A second later Josh makes his way around the car and opens the door. He sends Simon a smile as he slides on his seatbelt. 

“Your friends seem funny.” He says, turning the car on as it gives off a groan as the engine turns over. A song plays on low. 

“They’re... something.” Simon mumbles, earning another laugh from Josh. His laugh was cute. Simon smiles softly to himself as he sends Josh a glance from the corner of his eye. He looks at the way he drives; one hand resting softly at the bottom of the wheel, his other hand resting on his thigh. His posture relaxed with a small smile laying peacefully on his lips. 

As if knowing he was being watched, Josh’s eyes slide over to Simon as he averts his eyes ahead and scratches his arm. 

“So Simon, what kind of music are you into?” He asks casually, “I have a case of CD’s in the glove compartment if you want to pick one you like.” 

“Oh, okay.” Simon says, a hint of surprise and nerves in his voice as he unlocks the compartment and grabs the bulky case of CD’s. He opens it and lets his eyes skim the familiar artists. Finally he picks out an older Eminem album and hands it over.

Josh smiles, “Good choice.” 

The rapping fills the car and Josh turns it down to a quiet level, just barely audible over the cars engine. 

“So, where are you taking me?” Simon asks a moment later when the roads no longer look familiar to him. They’d been driving for a while now and he was growing anxious.

“Are you afraid I’m kidnapping you?” Josh jokes, a playful smirk on his lips. 

That thought never even crossed Simon’s mind. He looks over at Josh with a worried look that only caused the other boy to laugh.

 “I’m not kidnapping you, I’m taking you to one of my favorite restaurants.” He states, making a left down a small path.

“It’s not fancy is it?” Simon asks, looking down at his jeans and shirt.

Josh snorts, “Not at all, you look fine.” He looks over at him again and smiles. Simon feels his cheeks heat up. 

After driving for a little while longer, Josh pulls into a small restaurant that maybe could hold 30 people at the most. It looks cosy and welcoming. Simon doesn’t recognize it. 

“It’s a bit small, but they have the best Italian food in London. Have you heard of it?” Josh asks, his steps falling into sync with Simon's as they make their way up the cobblestone path to the building. 

“I haven’t” He answers, allowing Josh to hold open the door for him. He says a quiet thank you and takes in the place. Low lighting and soft chatter fills the tiny dining halls. Mostly older couples sit, drinking red and white wine while talking in low voices. Simon immediately feels out of place. Harry never took him anywhere like this. It was mostly fast-food restaurants. 

The hostess takes them over to a secluded table in the corner almost away from everyone else. They take their seats as Simon pulls out his menu, letting his eyes scan it. 

“You do like Italian food right?” Josh asks, looking at him nervously in hopes he didn’t mess up. 

“I love it.” He replies honestly. His stomach growling just from reading over the long list of pastas. 

A moment later their waiter makes his way over and they both place their orders, which are the exact same, Simon blushing as he has to re-say what Josh just had. 

“So you’re home for the summer.” Simon says, trying to keep up the conversation. As the waiter takes their menus and disappears back into the kitchen. 

Josh smiles at him as he takes a sip of his water, nodding. “I am, yes. I just finished my last exams so, here I am.”

“When do you finish your exams?” He asks a moment later.

“Next week I take my last three, then I’m finished.” 

Josh opens his mouth to speak when Simon’s phone buzzes. He apologizes as he unlocks it, making sure it wasn’t his mum or anyone that could bother them. When he reads the message, his stomach sinks. 

6:38 pm Harry: _Are you busy right now Simon?_

“Is everything okay? You look a little pale.” Josh asks him worriedly. 

“I’m— I’m fine, thanks.” He lets out a dry laugh as he sets his phone back down on the table, not responding. 

“You can answer it if you need to.” Josh says. 

Simon looks at him and smiles softly, “No, it’s not important. I want to hear more about you.” He ignores another buzz as he focuses all his attention on Josh and his favorite color and his family and his hobbies. Eventually he becomes so immersed in what Josh does for fun he doesn’t realize the loud buzzing coming from his phone; he’s getting a call. 

“Are you going to answer that?” He asks, stopping his story on how he had a kidney infection and almost died when he was younger. 

Smiling apologetically, Simon grabs his phone and reads the name: Harry. Cursing under his breath, he shuts his phone off.

“Looks like someone is really trying to reach you.” Josh says, not a trace of annoyance in his voice, more like sadness. 

“Yeah, but it doesn’t matter.” He says and the look on Josh’s face doesn’t feel too convincing. 

“Is there someone else? I get it, you know,” Josh shrugs, “if there is someone else.” He falls quiet. 

“No, there isn’t.” Simon takes a deep breath, not wanting to talk about Harry on their date. Simon wants this to be about them. 

“Okay.” Josh smiles, letting him know all was well and forgotten. 

An awkward silence falls between the two boys and Simon racks his brain for a way to bring back the fun conversation they were having just moments before.

“So you’re not out.” Honestly Simon? Great way to make the conversation fun again. He mentally kicks himself.

Josh turns bright pink and lowers down slightly in his chair, as if embarrassed and ashamed. 

“I’m not.” He says softly, averting his eyes from Simon’s. 

“Is that way you brought me an hour away to this restaurant?” He doesn’t intend for it to sound rude, but it does anyway. 

Josh’s head snaps up and his eyes turn a darker shade of green. “No, I just thought this place would be nice.” 

“Hey, hey.” Simon soothes, giving him a reassuring smile. He almost reaches across the table to grab Josh’s hand in his, but he stops himself. “It’s okay. We’ve all been there. You have to do it when you’re ready, not when other people think you are.”

Josh’s shoulders relax some and he seems to calm down.

“How many people know?” He asks. He doesn’t want to pry into Josh’s personal life, especially because they’ve only known each other about an hour and a half, but he can’t help it. 

“Tobi.” He laughs awkwardly, “you and your friends, which, if I’m being honest, I didn’t want to know, but Tobi convinced me they were cool… and that’s it.” 

Simon nods, understanding what he’s going through. He remembers how hard it was to come out, and how lucky he was to have such accepting parents. 

“Are you ever going to tell your parents?” He asks. 

“My mom maybe, I like to think she’ll be fine with it. My dad on the other hand,” He trails off and Simon doesn’t push him. He’ll talk when he’s ready. Simon gets a warm feeling in his stomach knowing that he will be able to talk to Josh again. He enjoys his company. Nothing sexual about it. They could be friends. It will be nice having someone besides the same faces he sees everyday. Don’t get him wrong he loves JJ and Ethan, but everything with them is the same, he likes having something new.

“Hey,” Simon says, giving him a friendly smile. “Just know, that I will always accept you.” 

Josh looks at him for a long time before smiling softly at him, “Thank you, Simon.” He says quietly. Just then the waiter brings over their food and Simon’s mouth can’t help but water. The table is silent for the next 10 minutes while they both shove their faces with pasta. When they finish the table falls silent from the sounds of silver wear scraping. 

“Holy shit.” Simon says after a moment of letting himself accept how much food his body has consumed in such a short amount of time.

“Right.” Josh agrees, sitting satisfied as he looks over the bill. 

“It’s not a lot, I’ll pay.” He says, pulling out his wallet. 

Anxiety washes over Simon’s chest. “No, we’ll split it.” He says a bit too quickly. 

Josh shakes his head, “It’s fine Simon, please.” He looks up at him, “I want to.” 

Nervously, Simon bites his lip as he watches Josh fish his card out of his wallet before sliding it into the booklet for the waiter to come pick up. His heart starts beating faster. No longer could this be a friendship, everyone knows that if the other person pays they want to become something serious. Usually a casual dinner is, “oh lets split the bill, yeah that works.” That way, there’s no strings attached. He wasn’t ready to be attached. 

“Simon…” Josh asks worriedly, snapping his fingers in his direction a few times. Simon’s head snaps up and he’s pulled out of his own thoughts.

“I don’t want a boyfriend.” He says then, not knowing the words were coming out until they were said. Josh shoots him a strange look.

“Who said anything about a boyfriend?” He asks. 

Immediately Simon blushes a bright red as his breathing returns to normal. 

“Shit, I didn’t mean it like that, I just.” He doesn’t know how to explain.

“Is this about the person who’s been trying to reach you all night?” 

Simon swallows the lump in his throat. Harry has always had a way of doing this to him; make him feel guilty even when he’s not doing anything wrong. 

“No, it’s not…” He trails off.

“Simon.” Josh says in a tone that makes Simon’s chest feel tight in a way he’s never felt before. He doesn’t understand it. 

“My ex,” He starts, “Is the one who’s been trying to call me. He… He’s an asshole.” 

Josh bites his lip as his eyes roam Simon’s face, “Do you want to talk about it?” 

And Simon does. He wants to tell Josh how he has been manipulated for two years and made to feel like he wasn’t good enough for anyone. He wants to tell Josh about the panic attacks he’s started having in the last 8 months that he’d never had before. He wants to tell Josh that he wants to be friends and that he doesn’t want to scare him off.

“He cheated.” He says flatly, leaving it at that. 

“Then not only is he an asshole, he’s an idiot.” Josh states matter-of-factly and Simon’s chest tightens again.

He lets out a quiet laugh, “Thanks man.” 

The waiter comes back with Josh’s card and they make their way back to Josh’s car. 

“Do you want to do something fun?” He asks as he starts the car up and turns on the radio. 

Simon cocks an eyebrow at him, “It would depend on what you think is fun.”

“Well first, I thought we could rob a gas station and steal all the booze, then we can steal a boat and make our way to America and go to California and spend the rest of our lives on the beach.” Josh sends him a smirk. 

“California.” Simon says back to him.

“Yeah.” He nods, smiling at him again, “Unless you don’t like California.”   

“No,” Simon shakes his head and rolls down his window, “California sounds great. But you know we could just buy plane tickets with the money we stole from the gas station, we don’t actually have to steal a boat.” 

Josh lets out a genuine laugh, “Yeah, I guess I exaggerated a little.” 

“Yeah, just a smidge.” Simon holds up his index finger and thumb and squints his eyes as Josh laughs again. Simon wants to take his laughter and put it in a jar to listen to when he’s sad. 

The conversation dies down as Josh turns onto the highway, taking a route Simon hasn't even heard of before. They’re an hour away from any actual civilization. 

“Ahh, let me guess, you’re idea of fun is kidnapping and torture, right? And you're taking me to a secluded shack to rip out all of my fingernails one by one.” Simon says, the idea actually crossing his mind at one point, “And now that you’ve gotten me all fattened up, you can eat me afterwards. You’re a cannibal, aren’t you Josh.”  

“What the actual fuck are you on about.” Josh’s loud, hearty laugh fills the car. Simon can’t help but fall into a fit of giggles. 

“Also I wouldn’t eat you because you’re still too skinny. It’d take more than one meal of pasta to make you fat enough to actually enjoy.” Josh adds a moment later.

“Why the hell are we still talking about eating me.” Simon says dramatically, sending Josh a small smile as he returns his eyes to the window, watching the road pass by at rapid speed as they cruise down the highway.  

“But for real, where are we going?” Simon asks minutes later as Josh turns onto a road surrounded by trees and forest. They are actually in the middle of nowhere.

“Keep an eye out.” He says, turning the radio completely off. Simon grows nervous as he keeps his eyes peeled out the window. Suddenly, the forest ends and they come upon a huge stretch of land. Tons and tons of lanterns fill the sky. Simon’s jaw drops as he looks at the illuminated sky. 

“What’s going on?” He asks, not believing the beauty in front of him. 

Josh parks his car and gets out, walking over to open Simon’s door for him. 

“It’s the annual lantern festival. My aunt and uncle host it each year, their farm is a couple miles away.” He starts off walking and Simon struggles to keep up, his eyes still trained on the sight above him. 

“Keep up, city boy.” Josh laughs as he walks ahead. Soon tons of people come into view, sitting on blankets with their kids. Some eating and drinking and mingling. 

“I want you to meet my aunt and uncle.” Josh says as he leads them through the crowd of people.

“Do they do this every year?” Simon asks, finally catching up with Josh’s long strides. 

“Pretty much.” Josh answers as they approach an older couple, standing off to the side, handing lanterns to people as they come up in line one by one.

 “Hi, Aunt Carol.” Josh says, smiling at her. She stops for a moment and does a double take.

“Josh?” She asks as if she doesn’t believe it. “My god, when did you get back? I thought you were in Norway with your mother.” She scoops him up into a big hug.

 “I’m back for the summer. I wanted to come see the lanterns. I missed them.” He smiles at her and waves to a little girl grabbing one. 

“Jerry,” The woman says, grabbing at the man next to her, not paying any attention. He turns and when his eyes land on Josh his face lights up.

“Josh! When did you get back, boy?” He asks. 

“He’s here for the summer.” His aunt responds, a smile on her face.

“Does your father know you’re home?” She asks.

“No.” Josh says, visibly growing uncomfortable. 

“Okay, I won't say anything, I know you and you’re father don’t get along much.” She winks, grabbing two lanterns from the table.

“Here, two lanterns for you and…” She trails off looking at Simon. 

“Simon.” He says kindly, reaching out his hand to shake hers. 

She smiles sweetly at him. “Well, here’s a lantern for you and Simon.” 

“Thanks Aunt Carol.” Josh says, giving her one last hug as she hands him an old blanket. 

“You’re welcome,” She responds, her eyes filled with love, “You best come back here before you leave again you here?” She says sternly, yet smiling.

“Of course.” Josh replies, turning and motioning for Simon to follow. They go off far enough they can't hear any more of the talking and chattering of the guests. Josh lays out the blanket and plops down, holding his lantern from his face as he inspects it. Simon sits down next to him.

“This is beautiful.” He says, looking at his own. All it needed was to be lit, then it would carry itself up into the stars. 

“It is.” Josh agrees, looking up at the lights.

“How long have they done this?”

Josh scoffs, “As long as I can remember.” 

“And you know all these people?” Simon asks, taking in the good crowd that has gathered.

“I used to come up to the farm all the time when I was younger. I stopped when I turned 14. I recognize a lot of faces, it’s actually strange. They’re all from this town though, it’s a tradition. Every year on July 16th, My Aunt Carol and Uncle Jerry have their lantern festival. They only cancelled once, when Jerry had pneumonia and couldn’t put the lights together. Other than that,” Josh shrugs, “It’s always happened.”

“Can we light them?” Simon asks then, wanting to watch his lantern float up into the sky.

“Yeah,” Josh pulls a lighter out of his pocket, “But you have to make a wish before you let it go.”

Simon laughs, “Why?” he asks.

Josh shrugs, “It’s just what you do.” He stands as Simon mimics him. He grabs Simon's lantern and lights it before doing the same to his own 

“Ready?” He asks. 

Simon nods eagerly, feeling his lantern pulling out of his grip and upwards. 

“One,” Josh nods his head as he counts, “two…. three." 

Simon closes his eyes and makes his wish, then he gently lets his lantern go and watches as it carries itself upwards, away from the earth, going on its own mission to somewhere unknown. 

They stand in silence for a moment as they watch, both taking in the view. Minutes later they sit back down and Simon’s chest is having that weird feeling again. 

“Who knew an hour and a half away from my house, this was happening every year without me knowing.” Simon shakes his head in amazement. “You’d think I’d read about it or something.” 

“Nah, that wouldn’t have happened. They keep it low-key here. Only for townspeople.” Josh says, stretching out his limps and getting into a comfortable position on the blanket to watch the lanterns carry themselves up. 

“Oh.” Simon says, leaning himself on his elbows and facing Josh.

“Why’d you stop coming up here?” He asks. 

Josh thinks for a moment before shrugging, “I don’t know, I guess I just grew out of it.” 

Simon smiles, “I think you should grow back into it.” 

Josh’s eyes meet his as they light up, “Yeah, I think I might.” They turn their attention back to the lanterns. 

They lay quietly as the last of the lights fade away. The crowd starts dispersing and Simon knows they have to leave soon. He doesn’t want to. He looks over at Josh who is watching the last of the people leave, gathering up their blankets and children. Soon they are surrounded by darkness and reality has come back. Simon stands and stretches as Josh grabs the blanket and folds it up, he then pulls out his phone flashlight and uses that as a guide as they make their way across the field back to his aunt and uncle as they are cleaning up. 

His aunt smiles when she sees them, “Thank you for coming Josh, it was lovely seeing you.” She grabs the blanket and plants a kiss on his forehead. 

“And it was nice meeting you, Simon.” She winks at him as she sets the blanket down and walks away, saying her goodbyes to the other guests.

“Don’t be a stranger.” His uncle says, walking over and giving him a pat on the back. He gives Simon a quick nod. 

“Never,” Josh responds and like that, they're back to Josh’s car. He opens the door for Simon and he gets in, waiting for Josh to then get in himself and turn on the engine. The night giving off cool air, causing goosebumps to arise on Simon’s skin. 

After a few seconds, Simon starts to wonder what is taking Josh so long to get in the car. He looks out the window but all he can see is darkness. Fear takes over him as he slightly opens his door and steps out.

“Josh?” He shouts quietly into the air. He hears nothing.

“Josh?” He says louder, panic seeping into his bones. Maybe he forgot his phone or something. Maybe his aunt needed his help. 

Suddenly a hand is grabbing his shoulder. He screams loudly and jumps, slamming his back again the car door. His heart races as he fails to gain control of his breathing. 

“Gotcha.” Josh says smirking at him.  

“Not fucking funny.” Simon says, shoving his shoulders.

Josh lets out a loud laugh, “It was really funny, you should have seen your face.” He says, stepping closer to Simon as he backs up, his back once again against the car.  

“It wasn’t.” Simon says again, but can’t help the smile that falls onto his lips.  

Josh looks at him, his eyes slowly landing on his mouth for a split second before coming back to meet his eyes. Simon’s heart slowly begins beating harder, now for a different reason. He freezes, wondering if Josh was going to seal the very small space left between them.  

“It’s late,” He says then, backing away, letting Simon’s chest fill with that feeling.  

“Yeah.” Simon agrees, slipping back into the car as he slides on his seatbelt. Josh then does the same. The 90 minute car ride is nice. The windows are cracked and the radio is on low. A nice, comfortable silence falls between the boys. When Josh pulls up to Simon’s doorstep he almost doesn’t want to get out. 

He knows if he does then the night ends, causing the dinner and lanterns to soon become a moment lost in time. He hesitates and Josh notices.

“We should hang out again,” He says, smiling softly, “like really soon.” 

Simon returns his soft smile. “Yes, we should.” He exits the car and makes his way to his door. He slides in his house key and walks in, sending Josh a wave goodbye before he watches his headlights disappear down the street. Everyone is asleep as he creeps into his bedroom and plops down on the bed. His mind replaying the night over and over in his head. The dinner and the lanterns and his wish. He reaches for his phone to text JJ and Ethan about his night when he remembers he turned it off. When he powers it back on his phone becomes flooded with messages. The first is his group chat with Ethan and JJ 

8:02 pm JJ:  _Hope your’e having a good time!! <3_

8:03 pm Ethan: _Don’t fuck him on the first date, remember Si, you need to be classy._

8:37 pm JJ: _He hasn’t responded, what do you think they’re doing?_

8:39 pm Ethan: _Most definitely fucking._   

Simon lets out a small laugh as he looks through his other messages. 

9:15 pm Mum: _Going to bed sweetie, don’t be out too late. love you._  

He then gets to a message that makes his mouth go sour.  

10:04 pm Harry:  _I fucked up Simon.._

10:12 pm Harry:  _I know you won’t forgive me._

10:37 pm Harry: _I get it if you hate me._

10:55 pm Harry:  _Just fucking call me Simon please, I’m fucking losing my mind._  

11: 25 pm Harry:  _Typical of you to be a fucking prick. I’m sitting here apologizing and you can’t send me one fucking text. I don’t remember the day you became better than me_. 

12:00 am Harry:  _Fuck you Simon._

3 missed calls, all from Harry. 

He tosses his phone aside and puts his head in his hands, breathing softly. Don’t let him get to you. Block him out. This is what he does Simon, he manipulates you, makes you feel guilty. It’s not your fault.  

He pulls open a new message and types:

12:46 am Simon:  _We should meet._  

Suddenly, before he hits send, his phone buzzes. 

12:46 am Josh:  _I had a great time tonight. Just wanted to say goodnight, soo… goodnight :)_

He stares at Josh’s message until it goes blurry. Deleting his message to Harry he opens up Josh’s conversation.

12:55 am Simon:  _I had a great time too. Sleep well._

He presses send. 

+++

“So are you planning on meeting up with him again then?” Ethan asks as they make their way into their booth in the small diner JJ took them to for a nice Sunday breakfast. 

“I want to.” Simon says, his eyes scanning the menu taking in all the different pancake and waffle selections. He was actually still pretty full from his dinner last night, but who was he to deny a well made breakfast. 

“What did you guys even end up doing? You didn’t answer any of our texts, me and Ethan thought you might have died.” 

“I didn’t die,” He says with an eye roll, “We just went to dinner and hung out.” He didn’t want to tell the boys about the lanterns, he wanted it to just be his and Josh’s, no one else needed to know.

“Did you at least get a kiss?” JJ asks, leaning closer to him and puckering his lips.

“Fuck off,” Simon laughs, shoving him away as the elderly couple across the aisle shoots them an annoyed look. 

“And no, we didn’t kiss. We're just friends.” Simon says, taking a sip of the water already on the tables. 

“Yeah, yeah.” Ethan says with a scoff, training his eyes back on his menu as he shakes his head. “I give you a week before you’ve got that poor boys pants off. He’s eager and waiting, I can tell.” He mumbles, not bothering to look up.

“How would you know Ethan, you’re the biggest virgin I know.” JJ mocks. 

“Just because you fuck everything that moves,” Ethan grumbles, tossing a balled up napkin at him. 

“I can fuck you Ethan if you’d like.” 

“No thanks mate, I can do without the STD’s.” Ethan fires back, sticking his tongue out at JJ who grabs it and squeezes. Ethan yelps out in pain. 

“What can I get you guys to eat?” The waitress asks then, coming up to their table suddenly, causing JJ to let go of Ethan’s mouth and clear his throat. JJ takes a glance to the young waitress and gives her a sly smile.

“I don’t suppose I could get a slice of you, could I?” He asks coyly. Ethan rolls his eyes at Simon who smiles and shakes his head. 

The waitress smirks, “Possibly, but it would cost extra.” 

“Name your price.” He replies smoothly, sending her a wink.

She rolls her eyes and shakes her head, turning her attention to Simon. He orders 3 chocolate chip pancakes with scrambled eggs and hash browns. Ethan laughs when he finishes telling her his order. After Ethan and JJ have placed their orders as well she turns to walk back to the kitchen, but not before eyeing JJ one last time as she does. 

“You’re never going to eat all that Simon, no way in hell.” Ethan says, shaking his head and grabbing  his water.

“That girl was fucking hot, I’m giving her my number, she so wanted me.” JJ interrupts, grabbing a napkin and looking around. 

 “Anyone have a pen?” He asks. Simon snorts as Ethan throws a random insult at him that Simon doesn’t bother to try to understand. 

Moments later their food arrives and the other lads start digging in. Simon reaches for his fork to start eating when his phone vibrates.

9:47 am Harry _: I want to apologize for last night, I was drunk and wasn’t thinking._  

“Fuck.” Simon mumbles as he finishes reading the text. He drops his fork as his appetite fades, something Harry is usually good at doing to Simon. 

JJ looks up from his food. “What is it Simon?” He asks. 

Simon clenches his jaw as he shakes his head, “Harry won’t stop texting me.” He says finally, when he looks up at JJ he is looking at him, anger filling in his eyes.  

“Why can’t he just fucking let you be.” He asks angrily, “He’s like a fucking leach.” 

 “What did he say Simon?” Ethan asks soothingly. 

Simon hands them his phone with the messages from the past couple days. They squeeze together to hover over Simon’s small screen.

“He’s also been trying to call me.” Simon adds quietly. 

 JJ hands Simon his phone back as he shakes his head, “You need to block his number Simon.” 

“I don’t think I have to do that.” Simon responds, swirling his eggs around his plate. 

“It’s the only way he’s not going to stop.” Ethan says, agreeing with JJ. 

“I think if I ignore him, he will eventually take the hint.”  

“Or…” JJ says, looking Simon in the eyes, meaning business. “He can take the hint by blocking his pathetic ass.”  

Simon bites his lip and shrugs, “It just seems harsh.”

“Are you kidding me?” JJ asks, shocked.

“JJ, let it go, it’s only been a month.” Ethan says, trying to get JJ to calm down. He wasn’t usually an angry person. He’s always been protective over Simon and probably always will be. 

“If this continues, I will personally talk to Harry myself.” He says, scooping up some hash browns and shoving them in his mouth. He shakes his head, “I’ll fucking teach that little shit another lesson.” 

Simon smiles gently, “I don’t think that will be necessary.” He says, looking at his food, the sick feeling in his stomach only getting worse. He sits quietly, slowly playing with the food on his plate to make it look like he’s eaten some of it even though he can’t even look at it without feeling as if he’s going to vomit. 

When Ethan and JJ finish, they pay the bill and go back to Simon’s house to play some video games. When they arrive Simon’s mum greets them, hugging them both and offering them drinks. They loved going to Simon’s house because they thought his mum was the nicest. He always rolls his eyes when they say that but deep down he feels the same way. 

He shakes is head when JJ offers him a controller, not feeling like playing anything. JJ nods as him and Ethan start a game of their own, some hockey game Ethan is obsessed with. He sits back and watches as they soon get involved in their game, the rest of reality fading as it’s just them and the t.v. Simon pulls out his phone and plays around with his apps for a while before he finds himself on messenger typing in Josh’s name. He wants to talk to him but he wants Josh to text him first. He stares at the blinking curser for a moment.

11:39 am Simon:  _How is your day going to far?_

Without allowing his brain to think anymore he presses send and waits. 

11:40 am Josh:  _Good timing, I literally just woke up._

Simon immediately gets a mental image of Josh, voice raspy from the morning and hair tousled around his head. He stops himself form thinking about him any more. 

He turns his attention back to Ethan and JJ who are yelling loudly at each other and the screen.

11:42 am Josh:  _Do you want to grab some coffee?_

He sits for a moment watching as JJ and Ethan shove each other, trying to mess each other up. Eventually he pushes himself up and grabs his jacket off his bed and walks out, closing the door behind him.

11: 44 am Simon:  _Absolutely._

He stops by the kitchen on his way out to wait for Josh.

“I’m leaving to get some coffee.” He says to his mum who is standing by the sink, washing off some dishes. She turns and smiles at him sweetly.

“Okay dear, are JJ and Ethan going with you?” She asks.

He shakes his head, burying his hands deep in his pockets. His phone vibrates and he knows that it’s just Josh saying he’s on his way.  “They’re playing some game in my room, I don’t think they even noticed I left.” He lets out a small laugh, “I’m going with Josh.” 

His mum eyes him for a moment before she smiles slyly at him, “Josh yeah?” She asks. 

Simon rolls his eyes, “We’re just friends mum.” He says, returning her smile. 

She nods at him, her eyes unconvinced, “Whatever you say dear.” She returns to the sink as Simon turns to leave.

“You look cute today, Simon.” His mum shouts at him as he’s already half way out the door.

“You’re so embarrassing.” He shouts back at her. He hears her laugh as he shuts the door. He walks over and sits on his porch steps, loving the feeling of the warm air on his skin. He still has a jacket on, because well, it’s London. Soon Josh is pulling up his driveway and giving him a smile.

“Good morning.” He says as Simon takes his seat, rolling down his window immediately. 

“Says you,” He laughs, “I woke up at 7:00.” 

Josh makes a face, “Why?” 

“Early bird gets the worm and all that stuff, innit.” He shrugs, the real reason being because he didn’t fall asleep until around 4 am. He usually doesn’t sleep later than nine on a good day. 

“Ahh yes. And how did you spend your morning then? You know the early bird gets the worm and all that stuff.” He cocks at eyebrow at him. 

“Well let’s see,” Simon rubs his chin, “At 7:02 I painted a mural of every U.S. president, then at 9:00 I wrote poetry and at 10:00 I made breakfast for everyone in my neighborhood. At 11:00 I knitted scarves for the children of Antarctica. Then you asked if I wanted coffee and here we are.”  

“Knitted scarves for the children of Antarctica.” Josh repeats slowly, “Do people even live in Antarctica?” He asks genuinely.  

“Hmm,” Simon thinks for a moment, “Probably, I mean someone has to live there right?” 

“I thought it was a home for the penguins.” Josh replies and Simon can’t help but smile.  

“Maybe we should go to Antarctica and see for ourselves.” He shrugs.  

Josh smiles at that. “Yes we should, but after California.” 

“Of course, after California.” Simon nods. 

They drive a little longer talking about pointless things that mean everything to Simon before pulling up to a small coffee shop in the outskirts of London. 

They enter and find a cozy booth in the corner away from everyone else. Simon slides in the boot has his phone vibrates. He pulls it out.

12:33 pm Ethan: _Did you seriously leave us at your house to hang out with Josh?_

12:34 pm JJ: _And don’t lie, your mum told us everything._

12:35 pm Ethan: _Well just so you know, your mum is making us biscuits and were staying. Also have a good date Si we love you._

The rest of the messages are spammed with heart emojs and smiley faces. Simon smiles as he slides his phone back into his pocket. 

“I’ll go order, what would you like?” 

“Just some tea, any kind is fine, thanks.” He smiles, fishing out his wallet to hand over some bills. Josh shakes his head and walks away, leaving Simon with his hand out with no one to give the money to. He rolls his eyes fondly as he shoves the money back in his wallet. Minutes later he returns to the table, drinks in hand. He hands Simon his tea. He replies with a quiet thank you. 

“So how do you like living with Tobi?” He asks a moment later when they are both settled and content with their drinks. He glances out the window as it starts to rain, slowly but surely turning into a down pour. He watches as people pull out their umbrellas and throw up their hoods, others running to get cover. 

Josh glances at the rain as well, “It’s good, I missed Tobi when I left for Norway, I don’t really have that many friends there.” 

“Why did you leave?” Simon asks and he knew the answer had to do with his father.

“Things at home just got complicated, my mum was living there prior and it just seemed right for me to be there with her.” 

Simon nods as he watches Josh grip his cup a little harder than needed. “Do you have siblings?”

He shakes his head and removes the lid off his drink so it can cool faster. A trail of stream travels upwards. “Just me.” He smiles. 

“I’ve always wanted to go to Norway. I once took Norwegian for a semester but I can barely remember anything.” 

Josh cocks an eyebrow at him, “So if I would say- du har fine øyne- you wouldn’t understand?”

“I literally have no idea what you said.” Simon says smiling.  

“Du har fine øyne?” he says, trying to repeat what Josh just said but failing miserably.

“You need to annunciate more. Watch my lips.” He says as he leans in closer to Simon, “du har fine øyne” He says slowly, annunciating every syllable.

“Du har fine øyne.” He repeats once more, trying to mimic exactly what Josh did.

“Perfect.” He smiles, grabbing his cup and taking a sip. 

“So what does it mean?” Simon asks.

“I’m not telling.” Josh says slyly, sending him a smile.

Simon rolls his eyes, “Whatever, I’ll figure it out.”

Josh just laughs as he turns to face the window again.

“Do you miss it here?” Simon asks a moment later after Josh’s mind seems to have gotten lost in the rain. 

“Yeah.” He says softly, not looking away from the window. Simon watches him, the way his shoulders relax and his eyes graze over the buildings and the people. 

“You’re staring at me.” He says, smiling as he looks away from the window and back towards Simon. 

“Am not.” Simon mumbles, a blush forming on his cheeks. 

“I think I miss London during christmas time the most.” He says then, smiling more to himself.

“It’s July mate, we’ve got a while to go.” Simon laughs.

Josh rolls his eyes playfully, “I know, I spent last christmas in Norway with my mum and it was beautiful, but nothing like London.” 

“Well, this Christmas you can spend it here with me.” Simon says, “I’m not leaving any time soon.” 

Josh smiles at him, “Sounds like a plan.” 

They spend another hour at the coffee shop talking about random things and random memories. Simon loves the way Josh’s eyes light up when he talks about the things he is interested in. He listens to what Josh says and he actually wants to hear it. 

You would think the talking would eventually end and they would run out of things to talk about but they don’t. Simon tells Josh about how JJ wanted to set up a youtube channel and make games with Simon’s help but they never actually did it and now JJ’s camera has one video recorded on it, never to be posted. Josh tells Simon about how him and his friends from primary school used to play Call of Duty and they wanted him to release a montage he had made a couple years back, that sitting unfinished, never to be posted as well. The more they talked, the more they realized they had in common. 

“Is it seriously already 3 o’clock?” Josh asks in disbelief, looking down at his phone hours later.

“Yeah,” Simon laughs softly, checking his own, “It is.” 

“Do you have somewhere you need to be?” Simon asks.

Josh shakes his head, “No, Tobi and his brother Manny wanted to do something this evening but,” He shrugs, “I’d actually rather hang out with you.” He says sheepishly.  

Simon smiles at that. “Well I have a whole study guide that needs to be memorized by tomorrow and I haven’t started any of it… and I could use some help if you’re interested.” To be honest Simon didn’t want him to go either. 

“Of course, I’m sort of a genius if you didn’t know.” Josh jokes as they make their way out of the booth and back to Josh’s car. It stopped raining, but a cool air now flowed, causing shivers to run up Simon's spine.

“Are you?” Simon rolls his eyes playfully as he slides into Josh’s car and buckles up. 

When they get back to his house he opens the door to his room, finding Ethan and JJ still there playing games, a plate of half eaten biscuits and a milk carton surrounding them. 

JJ pauses the game when he sees Simon and Josh enter. His eyebrows immediately rise. “Well well well, look who finally came back.” He sasses.

Simon smiles meekly as he slides his jacket off. “What are you still doing at my house?” He asks, it’s not like they couldn’t leave, JJ drove. 

“We thought you went to use the bathroom or something, but then after 30 minutes, Ethan was like ‘where is Simon’ and I was like I don’t fucking know, so we went to find you when your mum told us you left to go with Josh. We were just gonna leave until your mum said she was baking so we decided to stay, and yeah.” He shrugs. 

“Well we’re studying for finals so.” Simon says, trying to mentally ask them to leave.

“Oh shit dude, that’s brilliant actually, what subject, please say English.” Ethan interrupts.  

“English,” Simon mumbles, grabbing his binder and plopping down on his bed. Josh follows.  

“Sweet, scoot over my love.” Ethan says, positioning himself right in-between Simon and Josh on the bed. 

“JJ, would you like to join as well?” Simon asks sarcastically.

“Nope, I don’t need to study, I’ve got it all in here.” He says, pointing to his head. Simon rolls his eyes and laughs.  

He meets Josh’s eyes as he sends him a small reassuring smile, letting Simon know he didm’t mind hanging out with his friends.

“We should call Tobi.” JJ says then, grabbing for his phone.

“JJ, my room can’t hold all these people.” Simon says, he could barely fit the other half of his bum on his bed as it is. 

“Tobi is small, he doesn’t take up any space.” He claims, not bothering to look up from the text he is typing no doubt to Tobi. 

“Manny is coming as well,” He states a moment later.

“Great why don’t you invite Harry while you’re at it, JJ.” Simon snaps, instantly regretting it when he sees the look on JJ’s face.

“Simon..” He opens his mouth to speak but Simon cuts him off.  

“No, I’m sorry, they can come, I’m just tired.” He says knowing JJ will understand that. He’s the only one who knows about Simon’s sleeping habits. 

“I can text them and say never mind if you want.” He says softly, trying to soothe him.

Simon shakes his head, “It’s fine, I want them to come.” He says, giving JJ a reassuring smile.

“Are you sure Si?” Ethan asks beside him, rubbing his back in soothing circles. He loves his friends.

“I’m positive. I’m going to get a glass of water though first.” He stands and makes his way into the kitchen, momentarily forgetting Josh just witnessed the whole thing. He sees his frame make his way into the kitchen a moment later.

“You okay?” He asks softly, knowing it wasn’t really his business. 

“Yeah, JJ just gets a little...” He shrugs not being able to find the right words. “He’s amazing but has an agenda of his own, I guess.”  

Josh smiles, “That reminds me of this kid from my school in Norway, Vik,” He shakes his head fondly, “He was from England too, but moved there a couple years back so he knew what I was going through. He was brilliant but always in his own little world. He scribbled in his little notebook in every class I had with him, I’m assuming he did that in all his classes, yet he passed every test. I don’t know how he did it since he never looked up at the teachers once.”

Simon laughs, “Well JJ is definitely not brilliant but he certainly is in a world of his own.” 

“Kind of like you.” Josh says then, looking at him fondly.

“Yeah,” Simon lets out a small breath. “Kind of like me.” He’s not sure what Josh means but he agrees anyway.  

They stand there is silence for a while as Simon finishes his glass of water. A moment later the door is opening and Tobi and Manny peak their heads through.

“Hellooo.” Tobi calls as he walks in, Manny right behind him.

“Hey guys.” Simon greets, walking over to give them both a hug. 

“How’s my little muffin?” Manny asks, messing up his hair. Simon cringes and rolls his eyes. He’s been calling him that for years now. 

“You guys thirsty or?” Simon asks, pointing towards the sink. 

“Well, I might have brought some drinks of my own.” Tobi smirks, patting the handles on his backpack. 

“Tobi!” Simon whisper shouts, “my parents are home and we have school tomorrow.” 

“It’s fine, Si, you don’t have to if you don’t want to. And were not drinking it here.” 

Simon shoots him a confused glance, “Where are we going then?” 

“The Lookout.” Manny responds for him.

“Seriously?” Simon asks, a smile forming on his lips. He did love the Lookout.

“What’s the Lookout?” Josh asks besides him.  

“You’ll see.” Tobi says, walking into Simon’s room to tell the other lads he was here.  

They all pile into Tobi’s Rover, Tobi and Ethan in front (he called shotgun) with Manny, JJ, Simon and Josh all squeezed in the back. He was basically sitting on top of Josh because Tobi’s car technically only held 5 people. He feels claustrophobic and hot, the smell of Josh’s jacket being the only thing keeping him sane as their thighs press together. 

“Squad.” Ethan shouts as Tobi starts to drive. Simon’s head hurts and he wants to lay down. Josh seems to notice his uncomfortableness. 

“You good?” He whispers so only Simon can hear.

He looks over and smiles at him, “Yeah I’m fine, thanks.” 

“I can crack the window if you want.” Josh asks. 

Simon nods, grateful that Josh was sitting there next to him, “Yeah.” 

Tobi turns his car onto the familiar dirt road Simon has been on so many times before, all them being with Harry. He looks over as he watches Josh take in the surroundings. Tobi’s car jerks as it makes it’s way up the steep hill.

“Where are we?” Josh asks. 

“You’ll see.” Simon says quietly. Eventually they make it the cleaning as the old skate park comes into view. The whole city on display over the hill. 

“Damn.” Josh mumbles as Tobi parks his car and everyone starts spilling out. 

“Cool, right?” Simon asks, following the others as they make their way over to the edge and jump down into the pit. They form a circle and sit as Tobi takes the bottle out of his bag.

“How come you never told me about this place Tobi?” Josh asks curiously, taking a seat next to Simon.

“I don’t know man, it was kind of our groups thing.” He shrugs, “But now, you are officially part of the group so you get to come along.” 

Josh rolls his eyes playfully, “Gee, thanks.” 

“But,” Tobi holds up a finger, “In order for initiation you must first take the first shot of this endearing, delicious alcohol.” He passes him the bottle of whiskey as Josh makes a disgusted face. 

“You know I don’t drink.” He says, taking the bottle anyway.

“Initiation Josh, we all did it.” 

Ethan snorts, “No we didn’t.”

“Shh.” Tobi snaps at him jokingly. “Drink.”

Simon watches as Josh unscrews the cap and shoots Tobi a look. Shaking his head and laughing he tilts the bottle back and takes a shot. He pulls the bottle off his lips and shudders, passing it back to Tobi.

“Yay!” Ethan cheers as JJ takes the bottle from Tobi, taking a swig himself. They go around a circle (skipping Ethan, who is the designated driver because he doesn’t drink period and Josh) until everyone is a little tipsy and giggling. Simon didn’t consume as much as the others and it’s fun for him watching the others behave like complete idiots. 

“Manny, did you bring the board?” Tobi asks standing and hoisting himself up on the ledge to jog back to the car.

“In the trunk.” He laughs, brining the bottle back to his lips, “He’s going to kill himself.” 

Tobi comes back a moment later, skateboard in hand as he brings it down. He messes around a bit, doing some simple tricks as Manny walks over, helping him out. 

“No, dude, you have to do it like this.” Manny says pushing him off drunkenly and standing on the board, his legs wobbling as he tries to gain balance. Manny is the biggest lightweight out of all of them, mostly because he is so small. 

He attempts a trick but the board goes flying in the opposite direction of the ramp.

“No, idiot, you did it wrong.” The two brothers continue arguing until Ethan gets up and walks over, wanting to “show them” how it’s done. JJ turns to watch them, clutching the bottle in his hands as he pulls out his phone to record anything funny that might go down.

“They’re idiots.” Simon says, smiling fondly at his friends. 

 Josh just looks at him and smiles, causing Simon’s cheeks to grow pink.

The other lads continue acting like idiots until they become tried. Cheeks pink from the chilliness of the air and their sweating. They come back over to the circle and plop down. Tobi grabs the bottle again and takes a sip. 

“Fucking hell JJ, you basically drained it.” 

JJ shrugs, a lazy smile on his mouth, “You left it with me so I drank it.” He shrugs as he lets out a small giggle. Simon snorts. 

“You want to hear something awful?” Ethan asks a moment later. Every one trains their eyes to him, listening. 

“I kind of miss Harry, you know. At least I miss his stupid jokes and the stupid tricks he used to try to do on the skateboard. Remember when he almost broke his elbow on the half pipe? It was gold.” Ethan says quietly. Everyone grows quiet as their eyes land on Simon. If you didn’t catch on, not only was Harry Simon’s boyfriend, he was part of their group as well. When he left Simon he left them as well. He doesn’t think much about the fact Harry hurt them as well. 

“Has he tried to talk to any of you?” Simon asks quietly. He doesn’t know if they expected him to get angry. Ethan looks like he’s waiting for Simon to go off, a slight grimace on his face. He seems to sigh in relief when he doesn’t. 

“No.” JJ says, Tobi and Manny shake their heads as well.

“Seems like he’s only trying to get to you Si.” Ethan frowns at him, “But it’s what he does, he gets into your head.” 

Simon swallows and nods, looking down at his shoes. 

“What time is it?” Tobi asks, trying to change the subject. Simon avoids Josh’s gaze.  

 “Six.” Josh says, sliding his phone back into his pocket.

 “We should get going.” Ethan says, standing and wiping off the dirt from his trousers. 

“Yeah.” Tobi nods, tossing the bottle into the nearest trashcan as they make their way to Tobi’s car. They pile in as Ethan starts the engine and starts driving. JJ passes out next to Simon, his head laying on his shoulder. Everyone is quiet as they make their way back. 

When they pull up to Simon’s house they say their goodbyes. Ethan driving JJ back to pick up his own car which was at JJ’s house because they drove to pick up Simon for breakfast early that morning together. Josh gets into the driving seat of Tobi’s car and Tobi climbs in the passenger and Manny in the back. Simon waves goodbye as all their cars disappear down the road. Josh being the last person he looks at before they vanish.  

He makes his way up his stairs and to his room, his bones heavy, weighing him down with every step. He crawls into bed and slides over his forgotten English folder as he tries to focus and study but he can’t. His mind keeps wandering to Josh, then to Harry, then back to Josh. 

They say your first love is your greatest love, your strongest. That’s not true. Your first love is your most heartbreaking. Your first love is the type of love that makes you think love doesn’t even exist. 

 He closes his English notebook as he lay his head down on his pillow just for a moment. He turns his head, inhaling the shoulder of his jacket that now smells like Josh from being pushed against him for 30 minutes straight. He closes his eyes slightly and steadies his breathing. 

+++ 

Simon slowly reaches around for his vibrating phone in his bed, his limbs still heavy with sleep and mind still cloudy, not being able to tell dreams from reality. With his eyes still closed he slides his phone to answer it.  

“Hello?” He mumbles, sleepily, opening one eye to read his bedside clock. The numbers read 12:46 am.

 “Simon?” The voice on the other line whispers as a knife slices through Simon’s chest. He could recognize that voice anywhere.

“No.” He panics sitting up as he tries to breathe through this oncoming panic attack.

“Please don’t hang up just listen!” Harry begs, his voice desperate.

“Why do you keep doing this? Please just leave me alone.” He pleads, feeling his chest burn with every word. 

“I’m sorry okay. I just called to say that I am so sorry for everything.” His voice sounds distant, almost like it’s coming from under water.

“Okay.” Simon says, his breathing slowly getting back to normal as he tries to steady his shaky breaths. In and out. In and out.

“Can you meet me?” He asks then, his voice rushed.

“No.” 

“Simon—“

“I said no, stop calling me.” He presses end as he collapses back on his bed. He stares up at the ceiling and counts slowly backwards from 10, his chest rising and falling at a normal pace again. 

He tries his best to fall back asleep. Nothing works. 

+++

“Are you okay?” JJ asks the next day at school when he sees Simon slink down into the metal chair and rest his head on his hands as he closes his eyes. They are sitting in the classroom spread apart, waiting to take their finals to finally get summer break. 

“I’m fine.” He mumbles, not bothering to look up. 

“How much sleep did you get last night Simon?” 

“Like five, I don’t know.” He shrugs. 

“You should see someone about this whole sleeping thing Simon, it’s not good for you.” JJ says worriedly, “I can go with you if you want—“

“I’m fine, JJ, really.” He raises his head and gives him a smile, ignoring the migraine that is bashing away at his skull. 

“If you’re sure.” He says quietly, lowering his voice as their instructor enters the room, shushing them all as she starts handing out test papers. Simon groans and grabs his pencil out of his bag, wanting to get this over with as soon as possible, not caring if he failed at this point. 

“You have exactly one hour to complete your English Final. If I hear any talking you will hand in your testing paper and will be dismissed with a failing grade.” 

Simon trains his eyes to the first question and racks his brain for the answer that he knew just a day ago. His eyes scan his test.

Instructions: Part 1. Complete the sentences with choices provided. You should choose the best answer for each of the given questions. This part has 10 questions.

Question 1: Modern architecture, in many ________ is horribly ugly.

a. means

b. examples

c. reasons

d. cases

He curses under his breath and he reads over the dumbest question again. Finally he circles B, praying that is the right answer, though he knows he is most likely wrong. He goes on through the test circling random letters he hope he gets correct. An hour later he’s turning in his test paper and walking through the schools metal doors, but not before running into another body.

“Look where the fuck you’re going.” The body says. Their eyes eventually meet as Simon comes face to face with Harry. He freezes. In and out he repeats over in his head. In and out. 

“Simon, I.. didn’t even see you.” 

Simon just nods, standing uncomfortably, begging for JJ to come through the doors right this second. He doesn’t. He starts to walk away when Harry grabs his wrist. A burning sensation flows through his flesh as he looks down at Harry’s hand as if it’s poisonous. He pulls away.

“Please don’t touch me.” Simon mumbles, trying to push past him. 

“You never complained about me touching you before.” He winks. Simon makes a disgusted face as he turns and speed walks away over to his car and slides in. He pulls out his phone that he wasn’t allowed to have out during the exam to find a message from Josh.

7:45 am Josh:  _Good luck on your exam! You’ve got this :)_

Simon smiles as he writes out a reply, already forgetting about Harry.

8:59 am Simon:  _Pretty sure I failed, but I can always become a stripper._

9:00 am Josh:  _Doesn’t sound so bad, can I come to your shows?_

9:00 am Simon: _Perv :P_

9:01 am Josh: _Maybe a little ;)_

Simon wasn’t sure what was happening but he was going to go with it. Besides, he talks like this with all his friends. JJ has asked to fuck him on many occasions… Just normal friend stuff… although JJ isn’t technically what you would call normal. He sets his phone in his cup holder as he turns his car on as he makes his way home. 

The rest of the week ends and Simon is finally finished with finals, and school until early September. He feels lighter walking to his car that Friday knowing that homework and papers were something he could put behind him, at least for a little while. He pulls out his phone and subconsciously texts Josh. 

10:56 am Simon: _Guess who is officially finished with finals!!!_

10:58 am Josh: _Who?_

10:59 am Simon: _Meee :)_

11:00 am Josh: _We must celebrate then!!_

11:01 am Simon: _??_

11:01 am Josh: _I’ll pick you up at 6._

Simon smiles to himself as he shoves his phone into his pocket. On the way home he listens to his music a little bit louder and drives his car a little bit faster. 

 When Josh picks him up, a smile immediately takes up his whole face. He hasn’t seen him for a week and that’s been too long for him. After the skate park there was some awkwardness between them. Josh now knows about Harry but doesn't actually know the whole story. The whole long story Simon can’t bother to tell for the billionth time. 

He naturally slides into the passenger side and gets comfortable. The car was starting to become familiar to him, no longer a foreign smell. 

“Hi.” Josh says, looking over at him with his green eyes that causes Simon’s chest to close up softly. 

“Hey.” He replies, sliding on his seatbelt as Josh pulls out of his driveway and onto the road.

“Where are we going?” He asks curiously, knowing the route in which Josh was driving.

“You’ll figure it out soon enough.” He says, eyebrows raised in excitement. 

Simon rolls his eyes fondly at the brunette boy, “Whatever.” He sings, resting his head to look out the window. Suddenly it comes into view and Simon gets a sense of de ja vu and memories.

“No you did not.” He says, sitting up, taking in the carnival rides in front of him and the crowd of people. 

“I did.” Josh smiles proudly as he parks his car. 

“JJ and Ethan have been talking about this all week.” He shakes his head, “I haven’t been here since I was 14.” 

The annual end of July carnival was in town and it was something Ethan and JJ did every end of school year together. They would go on the rides until they got sick and spend their money on useless prizes. He gets a warm feeling just looking at the place. He doesn’t remember why they stopped coming. 

“Well what are we waiting for then?” He asks. 

Together they exit the car and make their way to the loud scene. Simon can already smell the sugary foods as they make their way up. He gets a sense of childhood giddiness that makes him smile. 

They buy their tickets and the first ride they go on is the tilt a whirl. They laugh loudly as they spin around, in that moment getting lost in being young again, when nothing mattered and they had no responsibility. 

They go on some other rides, Simon laughing as Josh wins him a stupid stuffed bear from knocking down some bottles. They continue laughing and acting like idiots until Josh spots the huge ferris wheel and his eyes light up.

“That, Simon.” He points, "I want to go on the ferris wheel.” 

Simon freezes, “Uh, I don’t know.” He shrugs. 

Josh then looks at him with a smirk, “Oh my god.” He says laughing, “You’re scared of heights.”

“I am not.” Simon says back defensively.

“Yes you are.” Josh says, grabbing his arm and shaking him playfully.

“Stop.” He says laughing, trying to pull away from Josh’s grip. 

“Come on, I’ll hold your hand so nothing bad happens to you.” He smiles, grabbing his wrist and leading him to the long line that has formed.

“I don’t know Josh.” Simon mumbles as they get closer and closer to the entrance. 

“Hey, you have to face your fears, Simon.” Josh says kindly, looking at him with those eyes.

“What are you afraid of?” Simon asks then. Josh opens his mouth to answer when they hear a ‘next.’ It was their turn. 

Simon looks at Josh as he grabs his hand. He looks down at their entwined fingers as warmth grows in his stomach. He then glances at Josh who just keeps smiling. 

“I will make sure nothing happens to you.”  

Simon nods and lets Josh guide him on the unsteady seat. They lock the doors and Simon immediately feels like he’s in a cage. He sits down and breathes slowly. The ride starts moving as he instinctively grabs Josh’s arm as he lets out a small laugh. They continue going up as the people below grow smaller and smaller. The sick feeling in his stomach starts to vanish as he feels Josh’s warmth next to him.  

They finally reach the top when the cars coming to a jerking halt, causing Simon and Josh to jolt forward.  

“What the fuck was that?” Simon asks, panic rising in him.  

“It’s fine,” Josh soothes, “I think the ride broke down.” 

Terror fills Simon’s eyes. He knew this was a bad idea. He’s always hated heights since before he could remember. 

“Attention everyone.” A voice calls with a megaphone from the bottom of the ride, “We are having some technical problems, the ride should be fixed shortly. Just hold tight and don’t panic.” 

“See Simon,” Josh nudges him, “Don’t panic.”  

Simon scoffs as he looks around the small, confined space. This was really happening.  

“Well. I guess we are officially stuck.” Simon deadpans, shivering as the cold breeze hits him from being up so high up. 

“I guess we are.” Josh replies, looking down from the open bars towards the ground below. Simon doesn’t understand how that doesn’t freak him out.  

They sit in silence for a bit, hoping for the ride to fix. After fifteen minutes pass, Simon starts losing hope they would be down soon.  

“Hey Simon?” Josh asks softly a moment later.  

“Yeah?” He replies, looking over at him.

“Harry’s your ex right? The one that tried to reach you at dinner.” He bites his lip as if he doesn’t want to pry. 

Simon nods softly, “Yeah.” Is all he says. 

“Will you tell me what happened?” He asks quietly. 

Simon thinks about this for a minute. “It’s not important any more.” He says a moment later.  

“It’s important to me.” Josh mumbles, almost so quietly Simon can’t hear, but he does. 

Simon turns to Josh and takes a huge breath before he starts his story. 

 “We started dating two years ago.” His hand starts to shake as soon as he starts speaking, “He wasn’t out yet but I was, so he wanted to keep it a secret.” He swallows as he continues, “He became friends with JJ, Ethan, Tobi, and Manny and we all started hanging out. He was kind of a dick to other people, including myself, but I never saw it. He would get jealous easily and tell me I needed to stop being a "slut", He adds air quotes, "whenever a boy would flirt with me. I never flirted back, by the way."

Simon shakes his head, feelings of anger rising in him the more he spoke, “Then Harry came out and everyone knew about us and about him. He would flirt with other guys all the time and I never would say anything. He didn’t want me hanging out with JJ or Ethan anymore. For a long time he accused me of getting with JJ behind his back,” He scoffs, “JJ is like my brother, which I tried to tell him multiple times but he refused to listen. He got into a fight with JJ and it didn’t end well. JJ dislocated his jaw.” 

He watches as Josh’s eyes widen but he says nothing so Simon continues. “After that JJ started telling me to break up with him because he didn’t treat me right, he would even beat on me sometimes when he was pissed or drunk. When I tried to talk to him about how he was treating me, he made it seem like it was my fault, that I was being a bad boyfriend. I believed him so I changed for him. I started having panic attacks and anxiety whenever I was around him, then after a while I was getting them even when he wasn’t around. Around 8 months later he called me and said that he didn’t want to be with me anymore.” Simon shakes his head as he angrily brushes away a tear that has slipped past his eye. “He told me I wasn’t good enough for him anymore and that he’s been sleeping with other people to replace me. He broke up with me over the phone… that was almost two months ago.” He looks up at Josh when he is finished to see him looking at him with a sadness in his eyes that broke Simon to see.  

“Simon, I..” He reaches up and brushes a tear that has slipped through his watery eyes. Simon leans into his touch. “I’m sorry.” He whispers.

Simon just shakes his head and lets out an uneasy laugh, “It’s fine, it’s over.” 

Josh’s unconvincing eyes look at back at him, he bites his lip before he speaks. “Hasn’t he been trying to contact you?” 

Simon pauses then, “He has.”  

Josh sits there silently for a moment, “I think….I think he should stop.”

Simon looks at him for a good minute trying to read him. He couldn’t. No matter how hard he tried Josh seemed like a mystery to him. A beautiful, chaotic mystery. He wanted to peel back all his layers until he was laying bare in front of him, but sadly just like Simon, he knew Josh had too many layers to peel back.  

“I know.” He whispers.

They sit there quietly for a moment, neither of them speaking, he feels the heat from Josh radiate towards him as Simon has the almost uncontrollable urge to cuddle into his chest and feel his heart beat in his ears. He wants to memorize the rhythm. He swallows hard as he looks away.

“Hey,” Josh says then, turning and setting his hand on Simon’s knee. “Smile yeah?” He whispers, a soft smile on his own lips.

 “You’re okay,” He says, running his finger along Simon’s cheek bones. He closes his eyes as the warmth of Josh fills him, “You’re going to be okay.” 

Simon opens his eyes as a small smile forms on his lips. Just then the ride starts moving. 

“See!” He announces, throwing his arms up, “We’re going to be just fine.”  

Simon can’t help but laugh as the ferris wheel eventually makes it way back to the bottom and they step out. They continue on with their night, going on a couple more rides as Simon’s back starts to ache and his eyes fall heavy with sleepiness, knowing no matter how tired he got he would never actually be able to sleep once he hit his bed. Josh eventually drops him off and idles in his driveway a little longer than normal. Eventually his headlights disappear as Simon crawls into bed, still feeling Josh’s finger on his cheek. He looks over at the bear he set up on his dresser and rolls his eyes before squeezing his eyes shut and begging for at least a couple of hours,  just like always though, he finds himself up tossing and turning until dawn. 

+++

For the next couple of weeks he avoids Josh. He doesn’t know why but whenever Josh sends him a text or a snapchat he just replies with a smile or simple okay. He doesn’t want to and he hates himself for doing it. He spends the majority of his days in JJ’s basement, or man cave, as he calls it, with Ethan playing video games. The first week they didn’t notice anything unusual, but by the time the second week rolled around they became suspicious.

“You haven’t seen Josh lately,” JJ says, his eyes trained to the t.v. as they play a game called Rocket League that Ethan is properly obsessed with. Simon doesn’t understand the big deal with it. It’s literally a little car hitting a big ball into a goal. Pretty boring if you ask him.

“I have,” He shrugs, avoiding the subject that he knew he wouldn’t be able to avoid for long. He even got a text from Tobi, apparently Josh was wondering the same thing as the other lads. Simon had gotten a tad annoyed that Josh was asking Tobi instead of just texting him himself, but he understood. 

JJ snorts, “You have not. Invite him over or something,” He says, still not looking over at Simon.

“That’s alright.” He says quietly, focusing on the t.v. in hopes JJ will drop it. He doesn’t. 

“Did you guys get into a fight?” He asks, pausing the game and turning serious.

“Dude,” Ethan groans, “I was winning, you wanker,” He then looks over at Simon, “No offense, I do care about how things are going with Josh I swear.”

Simon smiles. “It’s fine Ethan, and JJ we didn’t get into a fight.” He hopes that JJ will forget about it and un-pause their game. He knows JJ won’t agree with the fact that he’s pushing Josh away because he found out about him and Harry. He’s then going to ask Simon why he pushed him away over _that_ and Simon won’t have an answer. Actually, he does, but he knows JJ will just find it pathetic.

“Then why are you freezing him out.” He asks.

 “I’m not.” Simon says again. 

“Look Si, we can tell when something is going on and we know that something happened between you and Josh because you’re being all mopey again.” Ethan says gently.  

Simon sighs, “Okay, you’re right. I’ve been avoiding him.” He stares down at his hands. 

“And why is that?” JJ asks. 

“I’m just scared,” Simon says almost silently. He waits for a response and when he doesn’t hear one he looks up. JJ and Ethan are looking at him waiting for him to go on. 

“I don’t want things with me and Josh to go the way things with me and Harry did. I don’t want him to hurt me.” 

JJ scoops him up into a hug, an action that happened so quickly Simon didn’t have time to respond to it. Instead he lays limply in JJ’s arms until he lets go. 

“You like him, yeah?” JJ asks.

Simon nods.

“Then you have to let go of this fear because you aren’t going to know how things are going to go. You can either make yourself miserable by avoiding the guy you like or you can forget about being paranoid and just live in the moment and be happy with him now.” 

Simon just stares at JJ, taking in the wisdom he has just said. He then laughs unexpectedly as JJ’s eyebrows shoot up.

“What?”

“It’s just, I didn’t think you were capable of giving actual good advice.” Simon cracks. Ethan snickers beside him.

“Give him a break, Simon” Ethan coos, giving JJ’s arm a rub as he shoves him off.

“Oh, piss off you arseholes, my advice is great.” 

“But seriously, Simon,” He adds a moment later once all the laughter is done, “Don’t ruin things with Josh, you’re going to regret it if you do.” 

Simon nods then, deciding to accept  JJ’s advice. He pulls out his phone and sends Josh a text. Just a simple hey. He then clicks his phone off and grabs a controller.  

“Done,” He smiles, “Now add me in this stupid game.”  

+++ 

Later that night Simon gets home and flops down on his bed with a sigh. He pulls out his phone to see that there are no new messages for him. He wonders for a second if he has officially blew things with Josh, judging that he left him on read. He has officially blocked Harry and if he’s trying to still reach him, Simon doesn’t know it. 

He plays some games on his phone and checks his Facebook when it starts buzzing. Josh’s name and a stupid picture he took of him at the carnical pop up. He answers it immediately.

“Hello?” 

“Simon?” Nerves immediately shoot through his veins as he sits up. He breathes a sigh of relief as he hears the voice he’s missed so much. 

“I’m here.” He says, wanting Josh to know how sorry he is without actually saying it.  

“Can we meet?” He asks, his voice sounds upset and strained.  

“Of course where are you? Do you need me to pick you up?” 

“No, I’m already out, I’ll come get you.”  

“Okay. I’ll see you soon.” Simon stands and grabs his jacket as he slides it on. Very slowly he tiptoes to his front door and opens it. He slips out and closes it softly behind him. It was one thing coming home at 1 am, it’s another leaving.  

He stands on his porch, hands shoved deeply into his pockets as he waits for Josh. He sounded upset on the phone and Simon is worried about him.  

Moments later his car pulls up into his driveway. He slides in and his stomach immediately sinks when he spots Josh.  

“What the fuck,” He mumbles, taking in Josh’s bloodshot eyes and his loose clothing hanging on his frame. He then spots the half empty bottle laying on the floor of the passenger side, right by Simon’s feet.  

“You’re drunk.” He whispers, not trying to hide the disgust in his voice. 

“I’m not,” Josh mumbles, shaking head head. 

“Get out of the car, you are in no shape to even be driving.” Simon clicks Josh’s seatbelt for him as it travels up his chest, back into its holder. 

Annoyance grows in Simon stomach, angry that Josh put himself in danger. He gets out of the car and grabs Josh’s arm, yanking him out of the drivers side. He then walks him over to the passengers side and sets him in, buckling him up and slipping his car keys into his pocket. 

“Wait here.”  

Josh remains silent, his eyes full of guilt as Simon makes his way inside and grabs a bottle of water from his fridge, not caring if he woke up his family any more. He walks back out and hands Josh the bottle. 

“Drink.” He orders as he slides into the drivers side. He sits for a moment, his brain working in overtime. 

“You drove drunk?” Simon asks sadly minutes later, more upset than angry at this point.  

“It’s not a big deal.” Josh mumbles, shaking his head. “I’m not even that drunk you know.” He says matter-of-factly. “And I can drive my own car.”  

“Why didn’t you just call me? I would have picked you up, I even fucking asked.” Simon can’t even wrap his head around this. He cannot fathom why the hell Josh would do something like this. He can tolerate a lot, especially being best friends with JJ, but drinking and driving draws the line. No matter who it is.  

“You aren’t going to say anything else?” Simon asks. He stares a Josh for a moment who just looks out the window, avoiding his gaze. 

“I’m taking you back to Tobi’s.” He puts the car in drive and minus later he's pulling up to the dark, empty-looking house. 

“No one is home,” He mumbles.  

Simon pulls out his phone and dials Tobi. He picks up after the 5th ring.

“Hey Simon, how’s it going my lankly lover.” He shouts into the phone, he hears music and shouting on the other line.

“Tobi? Where the hell are you?” He asks.

“You don’t remember? The whole family is out for my cousins wedding up in Manchester. We’re staying the night out here. We invited Josh but he said he was hanging out with you.”

Simon then gets a vague memory of Tobi mentioning something about it a couple days ago over text. 

“Well I am with Josh but he’s drunk.” He says, glancing over at Josh who is staring down at his hands. 

“Drunk? Last time I talked to him he was going to his dads house to talk things over, then he was coming to pick you up for dinner or something.” 

“Okay, well that didn’t happen. What should I do with him?” Josh lets out a scoff in the seat next to him.

“How drunk are we talking.” 

Simon grabs the bottle at Josh’s feet. “Drunk enough to drive to my house and not care that he was drinking before hand.” He shakes his head as he puts the bottle down. 

“Shit okay, just take him inside, he has a key, and just make sure he gets to bed, yeah?” 

Simon nods, getting out the car and walking over to Josh’s side.

“Will do, I’ll keep you updated.” He says opening Josh’s door.

“You’re the best Si, talk to you later.” 

“Bye Tobi.” He hangs up and grabs Josh’s arm.

“I can walk by myself.” He shoves Simon off as he walks to the door, his hands shaky as he tries to find the right key. When he finally gets it unlocked (it only took him three tries) they walk into the kitchen. 

“You know you’re being a total douche tonight.” Simon tells him, walking over to get him more water.

 Josh finally looks up at Simon with an unreadable expression. “Am I?” He scoffs, pushing past him, Simon grabs his shoulder and turns him around to face him.

“Yes, you are.” Simon responds evenly. Josh just smirks again and shakes his head. 

“If you’re going to be like this, I’m just going to leave” Simon shrugs, pulling out his phone to call JJ or Ethan to pick him up and possibly cry to, “Happy you didn’t kill yourself.” 

He pushes past Josh when a hand forcefully grabs his shoulder, he turns back to see Josh looking at him with unreadable eyes, suddenly Josh bites his lip as his eyes slowly wander down Simon’s face, landing on his lips, before sliding back to his eyes. A feeling grows deep in the pit of Simon’s belly, the look in his eyes causing his stomach to flip. Slowly Josh brings down his hips and connects them to Simon’s, grinding down slowly into him.

“Wha-what are you doing?” He asks, swallowing the lump in his throat. 

“You’re sassy tonight,” He mumbles, sliding his hands down Simon’s back and settling them on his lower hips, pulling him closer. Simon bites his lip and shakes his head. His brain is screaming for him to stop and pull away. This was never supposed to happen. They were only supposed to be friends. So what he wanted to kiss him on the ferris wheel as they were stuck 300 feet in the air. Or in the coffee shop that day when Josh was lazily watching the rain. Or in the car on the way home from The Lookout when Josh’s thigh was smashed against his. Simon was vulnerable 

“You’re drunk.” Simon says quietly, not pushing him away. He was hurt that Josh put himself in danger, but somewhere deep inside of him he was flattered that even in a drunk state Josh only wanted him.

“I like when you sass me, hmm? Sassy Simon,” He mumbles, his stale breath hitting the other boy directly on the cheek, it somehow still smelling sweet despite the poison he ingested. 

Simon swallows hard as he feels Josh growing larger against his thigh, he isn’t going to do this, not here, not now. This was all too surreal, Josh putting his hands on him and whispering how he wants him. He expects to wake up and see the sun pouring into his room. He blinks and instead of sunlight he still sees Josh’s sharp eyes. 

“You need to go to sleep.” He murmurs, softly breaking away from Josh’s embrace. Josh makes a disappointed noise and grabs for him again. Simon stops and looks at him once more, taking in how soft and disheveled he looks. All he wants to do is run his fingers through his hair and pull him in close to him.  

“You need to go to sleep,” He says again, “I guarantee in the morning you are going to regret all of this.” He pours the rest of Josh’s water down the drain and sets his now empty glass in the sink. Josh grabs for his hips again, but Simon moves out of his reach.

“Let’s get you to bed, yeah?” He asks with sincere eyes, his own boxers feeling tight, wanting Josh’s hands on him, but not like this, not when he is a horny drunk mess. If Josh wants him, he is going to have to be sober when it happens. Josh protests the whole time Simon leads him up the stairs, grabbing at his hips and leaning into his neck, hot breath making Simon’s body tight all over. When they make it to Josh’s bed Simon slides his shoes off and sets them on the floor next to him. He then lays Josh down and before he knows it Josh is grabbing Simon’s shirt and pulling him on top of him.

“Josh,” Simon says as sternly as he can between giggles as Josh rolls on top on him and buries his head in his neck, slowly grazing his hips down against Simon causing him to inhale a sharp breath. 

“Not like this,” Simon mumbles against Josh’s skin which is warm to the touch. He pushes Josh off once more, who doesn’t protest this time, instead rolls over with a moan, holding onto Simon’s hand. Simon slowly lets go and fixes his shirt around him that somehow got pushed up to his chest. He knows he needs to leave. 

“Kiss me goodnight?” Josh asks then, taking Simon in surprise. He swallows hard and imagines what it would feel like to have Josh’s lips against his. How warm and soft they seem, he can almost taste him. 

He bites his lips and nods slowly, not being able to resist. He leans down slowly and allows Josh to lean into him, His kiss starts off slow, him exploring and tasting Simon’s mouth before hungrily begging for more access, as Josh’s tongue slowly slips into Simon’s mouth, he can’t help the small noise of content that slips out. The kiss seems like hours but only lasts for a couple minutes as the boys break away for air. Josh goes in for more when Simon pulls away shaking his head.

“You need to go to sleep, okay?” He says quietly, smoothening Josh’s hair gently with his fingers as the older boy closes his eyes. When he opens them again he’s crying.

“Josh?” Simon asks, looking down at him as his heart fills with grief. 

“Will you just lay with me?” He whispers then, scooting over so Simon has a spot of his own. He pauses for a moment, thinking of an excuse to leave, but then he looks at Josh’s tear filled eyes again and seconds later he’s laying next to him as they both look up at the ceiling, their shoulders and arms pressing together.

“My dad hates me.” Josh says moments later into the darkness.

“That’s not true.” Simon replies, his voice just a whisper. 

“I went to see him…” He pauses, “And he didn’t even act like he cared I was back, or that I even left in the first place.” Simon swallows when he hears Josh’s voice break. 

“I’m sorry.” Is all he can say because he doesn’t know what else will make Josh stop hurting. 

“He takes it out on me. He thinks mum left for Norway because of me.” Josh’s hand is shaking against Simon’s. “I didn’t have it in me to tell him she’s already moved in with someone else. He still thinks she’s fucking coming back for him.” 

“Hey,” Simon mumbles, turning onto his side to face him, “Remember what you said to me on the Ferris Wheel when I was crying over Harry?” Josh shakes is head.

“You told me everything was going to be okay. You told me  _we_  were going to be okay.” He rests his hand on Josh’s stomach as he crawls up to him, leaning his head on his chest. “You’re going to be okay.” The room goes silent and just when Simon thinks Josh has fallen asleep he speaks. 

“I think I’m in love with you.” He mumbles, his words so quiet Simon thinks he imagined them at first. 

“I think I am too.” He responds and everything goes silent. He lay there for a moment listening as Josh’s breathing takes on a steady rhythm and Simon knows he’s fallen asleep and for the first time in what feels like years Simon feels sleep pull at his own limbs, tugging at him harder and harder until he has completely drifted away into a dream of his own. 

After what feels like only a second he wakes to find sunlight pouring throughout the small room he’s found himself in. He sits up, his head still groggy from sleep as he takes in his surroundings. For a split second he panics, not knowing where he was until all the memories of the night before come back to him. He looks around taking in the dent in the bed where Josh’s body was. He rises, looking around for his phone that is laying on the floor. He picks it up to find out it’s dead. He tosses it on the bed and makes his way to the kitchen. He spots Josh then, standing over the stove, cooking what appears to be scrambled eggs. His shirt is off and Simon lets his eyes lazily check out Josh’s body, yelling at himself mentally when he eyes wander lower than his waist. He walks up next to him and peaks into the pan. Josh jumps when he feels Simon’s heat.

“Fuck, you scared me.” He laughs, using his spatula to push the cooking eggs around the pan. 

“Sorry.” He blushes, memories of the night before flood him as he remembers standing right hear as Josh ground his hips into Simon’s. 

Josh looks at him and smiles. “You hungry?” He asks, motioning down at the food. As if on cue Simon’s stomach growls as Josh lets out another laugh, his attitude completely changed from last night.

Simon blushes harder as he pushes himself up on the counter. Watching Josh cook as he dangles his feed over the ledge. 

“What time is it?” He asks. Josh pulls his phone out of his pocket. 

“It is… A little over 11.” 

Simon’s eyes grow wide. He thought it was 8, which is still pretty early for him. He cannot remember the last time he slept until 11 without waking up even once. If he did the math right, which he believes he did, he got 9 hours of sleep last night. It’s bloody miracle. He smiles to himself and shakes his head.

“What?” Josh asks him, smirking.

 “Nothing I just… slept really good last night.” Simon replies, shrugging. 

 “I did too.” 

Josh continues cooking as Simon continues staring. He wants desperately to bring up the night prior but Josh seemed happy and Simon didn’t want to ruin it… at least, not yet. He continues watching as Josh slides two plates out of the cabinet and sets them on the table. When he is finished Simon pushes himself off the counter and takes a seat next to Josh.

 “This looks good.” He says, scooping up a forkful of eggs and shoving them into his mouth, he was right, they are good.

 “Well I am a pretty good cook if I do say so myself.” 

“Don’t be cocky.” Simon jokes, rolling his eyes playfully. 

“Ahh, but don’t say you don’t find me charming.” To that, Simon rolls his eyes.

They eat in silence, their eyes often connecting as they smile coyly at each other. The silence is broke when Josh speaks.

“On a serious note. I’m sorry… about last night.” 

Simon swallows the last of his eggs and wipes his mouth. “It’s fine, really.” He shakes his head. 

“Okay.” Josh replies, awkwardly staring at his now empty plate.

Simon doesn’t know what to say. “Just promise you won’t do it again.” 

“Yeah..  I guess I got carried away. I won’t try to kiss you again.” He mumbles, his cheeks turning a dark shade of pink.

Simon looks at him with confused eyes, “What? I meant not to drink and drive, not the…” He trails off, blushing as well.

“Oh!” Josh says, his eyes lighting up, “You were… talking about the drinking.” He bites his lip.

Simon lets out an awkward laugh, “Yeah, I didn’t mind the kissing, actually.” He trails off, scratching his head as Josh laughs.

“So like… I could do that again?” He asks cautiously. 

Simon looks over at him with sly eyes, “I mean, I would like you to be sober, but yeah you could.”

“I’m sober right now…” 

Simon looks at him and bites his lip, “Then what are you waiting for?” 

Slowly Josh leans into him, closing his eyes as he parts his lips. Simon’s heart starts beating loudly in his ears as he waits for Josh’s lips to meet his, finally kissing him sober and correctly. Their lips meet as the kiss starts off slow, a neediness felt by both of the boys as they held back. Ever so slowly Josh slips his tongue into Simon’s mouth as he sighs into the kiss, allowing Josh as much access to his mouth as he wants. The kiss continues for a while before the bliss turns into hunger as Josh removes his mouth from Simon’s lips and attach them to his neck instead, biting and nipping at his sensitive skin. He lets out a small moan as his hands tangle into Josh’s hair.

“You’re so beautiful,” Josh moans, breaking the kiss for a moment before sliding up to kiss along his jaw, back to his lips. They continue as fireworks erupt in Simon’s belly, a new feeling coming over him that he’s never felt before. Passion. 

“I want you.” Josh moans a second later, sliding his hands down across Simon's ribs as he grips his upper thighs, sliding his slowly closer to him.

“Josh…” Simon mumbles, his brain not being able to make a coherent sentence when Josh’s tongue is tickling the back of his ear. 

“Let me.” He mumbles into Simon’s hair, moving his hands higher, scratching down his back. Simon lets out a low moan at this, knowing in this moment Josh has him in any way he wants. He is completely and fully his. Simon was just about to let Josh slide off his shirt when the front door opens as Tobi and Manny’s voice fills the entryway. Simon pulls away from Josh and smiles. Running his hand through his hair as he stands.

“We should greet them.” He whispers as Josh nods, hesitating before he stands. 

“What’s wrong?” Simon asks a second later, he glances down and instantly knows Josh’s problem. He can’t help but be amazed.

“You got hard that easily?” He asks in awe.

Josh blushes, “You got me fucked up Simon Minter.”

Simon continues staring at him until Tobi and Manny walk into the room. Tobi looks between the two in surprise before he smiles.

“Hey Simon, I didn’t know you would be here.” He says, walking over and opening the fridge as he pulls out a juice. 

“Where are your parents?” Josh asks, grabbing the plates off the table and setting them in the sink, doing his best to clean up. 

“They’re coming home a bit later. We drove separately.” He helps Josh out by grabbing the pan off the stove and setting it in the sink. 

“Oh,” Josh says, finishing up by putting the bottle of orange juice back and wiping his hands on the back of his sweatpants, “I should probably run Simon home,” He turns towards the blonde boy, “I’m sure your mum is not happy right now.” 

“Oh shit,” Simon says then, remember his dead cellphone that is in Josh’s room. “Yeah, my phone’s been dead, she’s probably having a fit.” 

They say their goodbyes as Simon grabs his phone. They make their way into Josh’s car as he turns on the radio.

“Hey, Si,” He says. 

“Yeah?”  

“Thanks for being there for me last night.” 

Simon looks over at him and smiles, “I’m always going to be there for you.” 

Josh looks at him, returning the smile. “I also meant… what I said last night.” 

Simon looks at him confused, racking his brain trying to remember their conversation. Instantly he knows what Josh is going to say.

“That I think I’m in love with you.” 

Simon opens his mouth to respond when Josh shakes his head. 

“You don’t have to say anything okay? I just want you to know I meant it.”

Simon softly grins and nods, “How about I just say, me too.” 

“Me too works perfectly, besides I already know you’re in love with me… I mean just look at me. I’m kind of a big deal."

Simon laughs as the conversation ends. A comfortable silence takes over as Simon rolls down his window, allowing the air to hit him as a smile forms on his lips He was happy and well rested for the first time in what feels like forever. Josh looks over at him and notices his smile.

 “What are you smiling about over there?” He asks.

Simon just smiles harder, “Nothing, I’m just happy.” 

Josh smiles at that, reaching his hand over and intertwining his fingers with Simon’s. Contentedness fills Simon’s stomach as he feels Josh lightly rub his thumb over his own. 

Right now, in this moment, there is no where else Simon Minter would rather be. 

When they pull up to Simon’s house he waits for a while, his hand idling by the door. 

“Call me later.” Josh says, smiling. 

“I will.” He replies. Just as he’s about to open his door Josh grabs his wrist and pulls him in for another kiss. This one long and sweet and perfect. When they pull apart Simon looks at him for a moment not being able to describe the feeling that fit its way into his chest. They say another goodbye as Simon walks into his house. Instantly his happiness is replaced with annoyance as him mum has a go at him for not answering his phone. It was worth it though. Anything that had to do with Josh Bradley would always be worth it in Simon’s opinion.  

+++

“You seem happy.” Ethan says as they make their way through the isles at the grocery store. For some reason Ethan wanted to bake a chocolate cake by scratch and Simon, being the amazing friend he is, decided he would come with him and help him…. He definitely didn’t do it just because Ethan promised him a piece if he came, nope, it was only because he was such a good friend. They walk up and down the baking isle as Ethan loads the cart with everything they need. Eggs, sugar, flour and so on, until his cart was almost over flowing with ingredients, and other candies and snacks that they didn’t necessarily need for the cake, but rather for their own enjoyment. JJ was meeting them back at Ethan’s house after his dentist appointment. 

“I am happy.” Simon says genuinely, smiling as the thought of Josh popped into his head. Since Josh’s drunken night of confessions they’ve been closer than ever, nothing made Simon happier than the smell of Josh’s clothing or the sound of his laugh.  

“I am happy you’re happy.” Ethan says, throwing a bag of marshmallows into the cart for absolutely no reason. “It was about time you got over the whole Harry ordeal.”  

Simon just sighs, “I know.” 

For the first time in a while the sound of Harry’s name did nothing to him. His anxiety was slowly but surely going away and he was getting at least 7 hours of sleep at night… that is when Josh decides not to FaceTime him and say naughty things, making him stay up late, doing not so nice things to himself while Josh talks him through it. 

They continue down the isle talking about meaningless things when Josh sends him a text. 

1:33 pm Josh: _I just woke up and your face was the first thing I thought of. Good morning beautiful._

Simon blushes, never getting used to these texts. It’s been 3 weeks now and Josh has been doing this shit all the time. Sending him cute messages that shouldn’t make Simon blush as hard as he does.  

1:34 pm Simon: _I woke up at 9 and the first thing I thought of were waffles, but you were a close second ;)_

1:34 pm Josh: _I may be the second thing you think about in the morning, but I’m the first thing you think about when you touch yourself._  

Simon flushes a deep red and he turns his phone off, looking around to make sure no one read his message, even though he knew that was a ridiculous thought.  

1:36 pm Simon: _Josh!! I’m out in public._

1:36 pm Josh: _I can always call you if you want ;) I’m laying in bed right now thinking about you. Do you want me to call?”_  

Simon watches as Ethan continues reading the labels of boxes and wondering what the difference between regular sugar and brown sugar was besides the color. He bites his lip. 

1:37 pm Simon: _Do not call me right now._  

Moments later his phone rings. He knows exactly what Josh is going to do when he answers.  

“Hello?” Simon answers, closing his eyes as a blush already starts forming. 

“Hi baby.” Josh mumbles into the phone, his voice deep. He knows how Josh gets in the morning.  

“I really can’t do this right now.” He says in-between teeth, hearing as Ethan calls him over by the butter, wondering if salted or unsalted would make a difference. 

“But you want to don’t you?” His smooth voice comes through the phone and Simon already knows what he’s been doing since he’s been up.  

“I do, but not here.”  

“I’m almost done, just talk to me about anything.” Josh says, a small breath coming through the line. Simon clutches his phone tighter in his hand as he walks over to Ethan.

“What do you want me to say?” He asks as Ethan shoots him a confused look before realizing he was on the phone.

“Anything, I just want to hear your voice.” His voice is strained. 

“Okay, well right now I’m at the grocery store with Ethan picking up things to make a cake.” 

“Yeah, tell me what goes in that cake.”  

Simon almost laughs out loud, “Um, eggs,” He says, dropping his voice down to a low moan, “flour, sugar…”  

“Yeah babe, what else?”  

Ethan shoots him a weird look after hearing how he just said the ingredients, “Is that Josh?” He asks.

Simon nods, biting his lip and smiling. 

“That sounds good baby, what else did you buy?” 

“We got some candy… and some chocolate and some marshmallows.” Simon bites his lip as he listen to Josh let out a low moan, Simon knows he is close, this not being the first time he’s done this. Well, it’s the first time they’ve done this in public. 

“I’m close, just say anything.”  

“JJ is at the dentist.” 

“Fuck, Simon not that.” 

Simon laughs out loud as Ethan gives him an incredulous look.  

“You told me to say anything.”  

“Tell me what you’re wearing.” 

“Shorts... and a t-shirt, with some sneakers, but I’m slowly taking my shirt off.” 

“Simon!” Ethan hisses at him after he hears what Simon just said. “Wait… are you having phone sex with Josh right now?” He shouts.

“Shh,” He hisses at Ethan, putting his hand over his phone speaker, “Yes, shut up.”  

“Oh my god,” Ethan shakes his head, “Oh my fucking god.” 

Moments later Josh is coming on the other line with a string of curses.

“Thanks babe I needed that.” He sighs into the phone.

Simon laughs, “You’re welcome, now go take a shower and drink some orange juice. 

“Yes dad.” Josh groans on the other line. 

“Dad?” Simon replies coyly as Ethan makes a gagging noise. 

Josh laughs on the other end, “I mean, it doesn’t really fit you.”  

“You’re right,” Simon agrees, “You’re much more dad material than I am, I mean, you have a beard.” 

Ethan then grabs the phone from Simon who protests loudly, “Alright mate, great talking to you but Simon has to go now before I throw up.” 

He hangs up the phone and hands it back to Simon, “Please for the love of God, do not have sexy phone talk time with you’re boyfriend at the fucking super market.” 

“He’s not my boyfriend.” Simon replies. 

“Right, and I’m a 6 foot tall model.” Ethan rolls his eyes, “Come on, lets go check out.”  

They make their way back to Ethan’s house after JJ does, when they walk in JJ is sitting on the couch talking to Ethan’s mum. They say a quick hello and goodbye as they make their way into the kitchen. Together, they start un-bagging the groceries and get out the mixing bowls and whisks for the cake.

“You will never believe what Simon Minter was doing in the store today.” Ethan says later on as they are about halfway through mixing. 

“What?” JJ asks, reading over the instructions online. 

“Ethan shut up.” Simon hisses at him with a laugh. 

“He was having phone sex with Josh right in the middle of the isle.”  

JJ looks at him proudly, “Really!”  

“You should have fucking heard them!” Ethan laughs hysterically, “Oh yeah Josh, the cake has eggs and oh fuck! Sugar and oh my god, flour.”  

“Okay, first of all, it was not like that!” Simon shouts throwing the oven mitt at him. Ethan doges as he walks over and grabs Simon, lifting him up off the ground.  

“Yes it was you filthy slut.” 

They start laughing hysterically as the continue on, making stupid jokes about each other as the afternoon progresses. Finally they put the cake in the oven and chill in the kitchen as it cooks. 

“Are you going to Cal’s party tonight?” JJ asks, drawing designs in the flour that has split on the table. 

“I’m going just to be near his girlfriend. Fuck Sarah is so hot.” Ethan murmurs.

“What about you Simon?” JJ asks. 

Simon shrugs, “I don’t know, maybe.”  

“I think you should! You haven’t been to a party since.. you know.” Ethan trails off.

“You can say it,” Simon smiles softly, “Since me and Harry broke up." 

“Wow!” JJ says, nodding his head at him, “I’m fucking proud.”  

Simon laughs and shakes his head but he knew how JJ was feeling. The first time he said Harry’s name without feeling sick he was pretty damn proud of himself as well. 

“I think we should show up to the party, steal some booze and come back here to have a party of our own.” Ethan says, getting up to check on the cake. 

“That’s actually a great fucking idea.” JJ laughs. “I think we should do that.”  

“How about it Si?”  

Simon shrugs. “I don’t care,” He laughs, “Josh hasn’t said anything about it, did Tobi tell him?”  

JJ shakes his head, “No idea. I haven’t spoken to Tobi in a couple days.”  

“Hm, I can just send him a text asking if he’s going.” Simon pulls out his phone and sends Josh a quick text with the info, asking if he wanted to ride together. 

They chill until the timer on the oven dings. Ethan pulls out the cake and they let it cool before digging in. It tasted pretty fucking good. They eat half of it before they lay around until it was time to head to the party. Simon checks his phone repeatedly, waiting for a text from Josh but it never comes. Around 7 o’clock they get up and head over to Cal’s house. 

+++

When they arrive it is already crowded with kids lingering around the lawn and backyard. Music could be heard from inside the house. They park down the block and walk up the driveway to the front door. JJ stops and says hi to some people he knows before jogging up to rejoin Ethan and Simon. 

“Let’s party.” JJ says, walking through the door. He immediately spots Cal as he walks over to him, throwing his arms around him and giving him a hug. 

Ethan and Simon walk over as well. 

“How’s it going Callum?” Ethan asks, giving him a quick hug as well.

“Great! Here, lets get you guys some drinks.” They follow Cal to the kitchen that is littered with an assortment of drinks. He mixes something up that he swears is good and passes it to them. Simon accepts and takes a small sip. The mixture isn’t the best but he’s not complaining. Ethan accepts a cup but soon ditches it in the nearest plant. Before long JJ and Ethan have gone off on their own, each talking and mingling with different people, leaving Simon on his own. This always happened when they went to parties and he never cared before because he always had Harry on his side. He feels a small twinge in his stomach but ignores it. Instead he pulls out his phone and sends another text to Josh who still hasn’t answered his one from earlier. He walks around for a bit, smiling at some familiar faces. He has a small conversation with this girl named Vivian before losing her in the crowd. He makes his way over to the kitchen and finds himself making another mixture, this time adding more vodka than Cal did earlier. He hangs out by the stereo for a while, nodding his head to the music. Cal always had good playlists made for his parties. When he gets bored of that he makes his way outside and steps over a kid who is passed out and snoring loudly on the lawn. Before he knows it, he is standing off towards the side of the house near a small alleyway. The music and laugher slowly muffled and he’s alone. Taking a breath of relief he sits and pulls out his phone. He has a message from Tobi.

7:46 pm Tobi: _Josh dropped his phone in the toilet (don’t ask) he told me to tell you he’s on his way to the party._

7:46 pm Simon: _Awesome, thanks Tob._

He sits for a while, becoming comfortable in his own little world as he drinks the rest of his cup. He finds himself getting lost in a puzzle game he has on his phone he doesn't even hear the person come up next to him. Thinking it had to be Josh he looks up with a smile. It immediately disappears when he is met with Harry. He stands up as his hands start to shake. 

“What do you want?” He asks, backing as far away from him as possible. 

“Stop acting like you’re afraid of me.” Harry says, walking over to him. “I just want to talk, okay?” 

“Then talk.” Simon spats, wanting more than anything to be near JJ or Ethan. 

“You never gave me the chance to actually apologize.” He says, a frown on his ruby lips, “I was a complete asshole to you and you didn’t deserve it and I apologize Si, I really really do. You didn’t deserve how I treated you.” 

Simon nods then, feeling a little better. Remember Simon, you are in control. 

“You should be sorry.” He says, feeling a rush of confidence take over him, it may just be the vodka, “You treated me like shit and I didn’t deserve it. It’s good you recognized that.” 

He waits for Harry to leave but he doesn’t. “Wow.” He scoffs in surprise, “You grew some balls.” 

Simon doesn’t say anything.

“Is it Josh who made you confident?” 

Simon steps back, how does he know who Josh is?

“Don’t say his name.” Simon hisses, anger suddenly growing inside of him. Anger that has been pent up for two fucking years, “In fact, don’t even say my name. I am done with you Harry. Stop trying to corner me every chance you get. We are finished.” 

Harry laughs manically. “You think I came here because I want you back? Oh Simon, I can have you whenever I want you, you realize that, right?” He steps closer as Simon steps back. He tries to breathe but he can’t. Everything he has been working on is coming back and it’s killing him.

“Just stop, okay. Go back to the party. I accept your apology. I’m not angry.” He says, trying to remain calm. Harry keeps coming towards him. 

“Now there’s the Simon I know. Weak.”  

Simon keeps backing up until he hits a metal garage door behind him. He’s pinned. His knuckles curl into fists.

“Hit me.” Harry whispers as he closes the space between them. 

Simon’s face curls in disgust, “Wha- what?”  

“You heard me.” Harry bites his lip, “Hit me Simon, show me you’re a man.”  

“No. I’m not going to hit you.” 

“Goddamn it!” Harry punches the metal door behind Simon, causing him to flinch. Harry looks at him, his pupils blown. 

“What did you take?” Simon asks, standing up straighter as he tries to push Harry off of him. Simon may be taller but Harry’s got at least 20 pounds on him.  

“You miss me.” He mumbles into Simon’s neck, ignoring the question. 

“I don’t.” Simon says back sternly. “You were the worst thing that ever happened to me.”  

Suddenly Harry’s lips are on his. They are rough and eager. His smell foreign and hands cold as they go up his shirt. Simon struggles to fight back. 

“Simon.” A voice calls from behind him. He knows who it is immediately. Suddenly a hand is pulling Harry off of him as Simon finally catches a breath. He watches Josh grab Harry and shove him against the fence next to them. He has never seen anger in Josh’s eyes like this. For a second he thinks he might kill Harry.  

Voiceless Simon watches as Josh punches Harry in the face as hard as he can. The two boys go crashing to the ground in a flash of fists and clothing. Simon watches as they roll around in the grass.

“Stop.” Simon says, but it’s barely over a whisper. “Stop.” He says louder. They ignore him. They’re going to kill each other. People start hearing the commotion as they rush towards the alley, pulling out their phones as they watch Josh and Harry fight. Suddenly through the crowd he spot’s JJ. He’s never been happier seeing that shitty haircut. He watches as JJ pulls the boys off each other, JJ holding back Josh and Cal coming over to hold back Harry. 

“Go home Harry. Before I call the cops.” Cal says, “That goes for you too, whoever the fuck you are.” The fight is over and the crowd disperses, leaving JJ, Josh, and Simon standing in silence.  

“Josh.” Simon says but he just turns and walks away back towards the road, ignoring Simon's calls. “Josh please!” He shouts, running as he tries to catch up. JJ grabs his arm.

“Let him go.” He says. 

“But..” Simon looks at JJ with wide eyes. He shakes his head.  

“Give him time.”  

Simon shakes his head and shoves JJ off, “You weren’t hear, you don’t even know what happened.” He doesn’t mean to take it out on JJ, it just kind of happens. 

“Do I need to know.” He asks. Simon pauses before he starts to cry.

“He’s never going to leave me alone. He is going to ruin me every time.”

JJ pulls him towards him and squeezes him tightly. “He’s not Simon. Because you’re strong.”  

Simon pulls away and looks at JJ, who wipes away one of his tears and smiles at him, “I didn’t kiss Harry, I swear to god he kissed me. He… He cornered me and I couldn’t—“ 

“Hey, shh, it’s okay.” He pulls him in for another hug. “You don’t need to explain yourself.”  

Simon falls silent as he allows JJ to hold him. It feels like hours before they pull away and Simon sniffles.  

“Let’s go find Ethan and go home, yeah?” 

Simon nods and together they make their way into the house. The minute Ethan sees them he comes rushing over.

“I heard about the fight.” He says, grabbing Simon’s arm in comfort. “I was going to come but I thought you should have your space.” 

Simon smiles, “Thanks Ethan. I’m okay.” 

“Good. Now let’s get the fuck out of here.” 

 They all walk out of the door and climb back into Ethan’s car. Simon watches as the lights and laughter fade. He closes his eyes and leans his head on the back of the seat. He hopes at least one kid at that party was having a better night than he was. 

 +++

It has been three days. Three whole days since he has spoken to Josh and he is slowly going insane. He has texted Tobi multiple times but keeps saying the same thing over and over again:

“Josh’s phone is still broken. He’s working on getting another one. 

“Well can I talk to him on your phone?”

“One sec…” 

“He can’t talk right now..”

“Sorry Si…" 

For three fucking days straight.

He wants to just go over there and talk to him but his legs won’t work. He is a coward. Not only is he not speaking to Josh, he has closed Ethan and JJ out, as well as his mum and dad. He doesn’t want to see anyone.  

It’s two am and he is still tossing and turning, something he has been doing since eleven. Finally he throws his blanket off and gets in his car, not being able to handle it anymore. Before he knows what he is doing, he is driving to Tobi’s house and knocking on Josh’s bedroom window. He watches as a light turns on and Josh walks over, pushing away the blind to see who it is. When he sees Simon his face turns into an unreadable expression. 

“Simon? What are you doing here?” He asks, sleepily. 

“You’ve been avoiding me.” He replies.  

Josh sighs and bites his lip, “Stay there.”  

Moments later Josh is opening the front door and walking out. He follows Simon as they sit down on the porch steps.  

“I’m sorry you feel like I’ve been avoiding you,” Josh says. 

Simon shoots him a confused look, “I know you have been avoiding me.”  

Josh sighs and rubs his eyes, “I just don’t know how to tell you.” He says quietly.

Instantly dozens of horrible ideas are filling Simon’s head, “Tell me what?” He asks, panicking,  

“I’m leaving… to go back to Norway, tomorrow.” 

“Tomorrow!?” Simon shouts angrily, backing away from Josh. “Were you even going to tell me?” Out of all the things Simon was worried about him saying, leaving had to be the worst. 

“Shh, keep your voice down. “

Simon’s breathing picks up as tears start to fill his eyes. “School doesn’t start for 5 more weeks Josh. Why are you leaving so soon?"

“I need to go home.”  

“Because of me?” Simon asks.  

“What?” Josh whispers ridiculously, “Are you crazy?”  

“I know you saw Harry kiss me at the party.” 

Josh shakes his head and grabs Simon’s hands, “It’s not about that. That doesn’t matter to me, I know he doesn’t mean anything.”  

Simon looks at him and barely notices the fading bruise on his cheek. “Then why are you leaving?” He almost adds me at the end, but he doesn’t. 

“I was always going to have to go Si. Did you think I was staying forever.”  

Simon stands, not believing they were having this conversation right now. His heart feels as if it being ripped out of his chest. His blood dripping on the concrete. 

“I thought we still had 5 weeks and I wouldn’t have to think about it until then.” He is crying visibly now, not able to look Josh in the eyes.  

“It’s easier this way.” Josh replies calmly.

“How the fuck is it easier? I’m fucking in love with you, Josh.” He doesn’t realize he’s shoved him until he watches Josh stumble backwards. 

“I love you too Simon.” Josh says, coming close to him again.

“No. If you loved me you wouldn’t leave me.” 

Josh freezes and looks at him, tears filling his own eyes. This was not the conversation he wanted to be having at 2 am, but sometimes the only time you can have conversations like these is at 2 am. 

“I have a life there, and you have a life here. We can’t just forget about that to be together.” He tries.

Simon scoffs and looks away from him. “Fuck you.” He whispers into the darkness. 

“Hey, baby.” Josh grabs his arm. Simon pulls away from him but Josh just grabs him again. 

“Listen to me Simon,” He swallows hard as he grabs Simon’s face in his hands, “Write to me, okay? Keep in touch. I don’t want to stop talking to you.”

Anger still boils in Simon’s veins as he pushes Josh off, “It’s kind of hard to fucking talk when you’re a thousand miles away.” 

“You can fly to me.” Josh suggests.

“Flying costs money.” 

“I’ll pay.” 

“It’s not about that...shit,” Simon paces, knowing if he sits he will burst into even more tears, “It’s about seeing you every day.”

“Skype.” 

Simon freezes, “It’s not the same.” He whispers. He knows Josh sounds cold but he knows its because he wants to leave as painlessly as possible. Spoiler: It’s not fucking possible. 

“If we try, we can do anything.” 

“Were you going to tell me?” Simon whispers, “If I didn’t come here tonight, was I going to have to find out from Tobi.” 

Josh clenches his jaw and looks away, giving Simon the answer without even saying it. 

“Are you mad?” He asks, cupping Simon’s chin softly. His legs melt like ice. 

“I can never be mad at you.” He whispers. “I just don’t understand why you’re leaving.” 

Josh sighs and shakes his head as he sits again, Simon follows.

“My mum called me, well, actually Tobi, after the party and said she needed to speak with me and it was urgent. Her boyfriend left her and stole some vases from the house.” Josh scoffs and shakes his head, “She also likes her prescription pills and wine and apparently he took some of those too. She was freaking out and wanted me to come home.” He shrugs.

“Why didn’t you just tell me that?” 

Josh’s bottom lip falls, “Because if I didn’t, you would think I’m leaving because I want to and you would be angry with me, like you were, and it wouldn’t hurt as bad, but it is hurting… just as bad.” 

“I’ll live.” Simon says then, grabbing Josh’s hand and locking his fingers in his own. Josh nods.

“If it’s meant to be,” Simon sighs, “It’s going to be. Go be with your mum.”

"We’re going to be okay.” He adds a moment later, looking at him just as he did that night on the Ferris Wheel. Simon squeezes his eyes shut, begging to open them and be back. Sitting 300 feet in the air, his only worry being when they were getting down. Right now he wouldn't mind being up there forever, knowing that as long as they were stuck Josh couldn't leave. 

"You’re going to be okay.” Josh looks at him and smiles. “I want you to stay with me tonight, but if you do I won’t leave.”

“Maybe I should stay then.” Simon jokes. 

“We can just sit here… for a little while.” He says, throwing his arm around Simon’s shoulder and bringing him close to him. Simon squeezes his eyes shut as he breathes in the smell of Josh deeply, hoping to remember his smell while he is gone. 

“Hey Simon…” Josh asks a moment later as they are surrounded by darkness.

“Yeah baby?” He mumbles, falling asleep against the older boy. 

“That night… when we watched the lanterns and I told you that you had to make a wish.” 

“Mhmm.” Simon moans lazily. 

“What did you wish for?” 

Simon sits up then and looks over at Josh’s eyes. He can barely make them out from the dark but he knows they are there. As green and beautiful as ever. 

“I wished… that the night would never end. That I could sit with you and watch the lanterns for eternity.” 

Josh is silent for a while, “What about you?” Simon asks. 

Josh lets out a breath, “I wished for the same exact thing.” 

He pulls Simon in and slowly presses their lips together. Kissing him slowly as if they had all the time in the world. 

+++

Simon wakes up the next morning in his own bed, not remembering how he got there. He sits up and looks at his phone. 

“Fuck!” He shouts, pushing himself up as he throws on a pair of sweats and his sneakers at rapid pace. He then goes to grab his keys, he can’t find them.

“Shit shit shit.” He mumbles, grabbing and feeling in the pockets of multiple jackets before he finds them. He rushes out the door as his mum calls his name. He ignores her. He speeds as he tries to get to the airport to say one last goodbye before Josh leaves. He rushes inside and sees Tobi standing off in the distance. He rushes over to him and grabs his shoulder.

“Tobi.” He says, trying to catch his breath. Tobi spins around, his eyes shooting up in surprise as he sees Simon.

“What are you doing here?” 

“Is he gone?” He asks, panting, “Did he leave yet.” 

Tobi frowns at him and nods, “Just boarded.”

Simon’s face falls as he feels the tears pushing harshly at his eyes as his throat tightens.

“I missed him.” He says to no one, looking around the crowded airport.

“Why don’t we go get some coffee and relax, yeah?” Tobi suggests, leading him to the airport cafe and sitting him in a booth. He is numb and nothing feels real in this moment. It’s like he is frozen in time, holding onto moments that now only existed in his mind. Memories that would soon fade into nothing. 

“I missed him.” He says again 20 minutes later, his coffee sitting in front of him untouched.

“He had to leave Si. I’m sorry.”

“I know that.” He snaps without meaning to. “I was at your house last night at 2 am with him.” He shakes his head at another soon to be fading memory. 

“So you know.” Tobi says quietly.

“I know about his mum… but that doesn’t make it hurt any less.” He grips his coffee as the hot cup burns his hand slightly. He doesn’t mind it.

“So what do we do now?” Tobi asks a moment later. 

Simon thinks on this for a moment, “I guess we just... continue living.” 

**Four months later.**

Simon laughs as JJ and Ethan lead him to another dimly lit shop in the City of Westminster, near the Big Ben. Everything was decorated for Christmas as the late December air hit them hard on the cheeks. Scarves and heavy coats wrapped around every person you pass. It was snowing harshly as Simon stands in the spice shop JJ begged them to come in. Simon didn’t see the purpose in being here. He stands off by himself as he looks out the window at the pure streets littered in white dust. His heart tugs as he thinks of Josh. 

There has not been a day in the four months he has been gone that Simon does not think about him. When he first left they talked almost every day… then they started talking every week, then every two weeks as they got back into their normal schedules with school, them both finishing up their last years before Uni next fall. He still gets a tug in his heart wherever he goes because anything can remind him of Josh. Even being here in this spice shop reminds him of the way Josh liked to cook, knowing he would have loved this shop. 

They finish up in the city before heading back to London. Ethan demands they stop at the coffee shop located on the outskirts of London. They both agree, rolling their eyes. As soon as they walk in Simon knows this place. He looks around and his chest fills with feelings of Josh. See what he means? He can’t go anywhere without his ghost haunting him. He often wonders if Josh thinks of him up in Norway. If he ever lays awake at night trying to remember his smell or his laugh. 

They find a booth located away from the rest of the customers and Simon’s heart clenches again as they slide into the booth that was once occupied by Simon and Josh many many months ago. He looks out the window as he lets his eyes wander, looking around trying to see what Josh was seeing all that time ago. He was right. London was beautiful in the winter. He wishes Josh was hear to see it. 

JJ goes to order for the other two boys as they sit in comfortable silence, Ethan on his phone and Simon lost in his own little world. A world where Josh was still here and they were walking through the park as snowflakes fell into their eyelashes. 

JJ comes back not soon later and slides the drinks to both of the boys. Simon takes the lid off his to cool as a trail of stream rises towards the ceiling. 

He looks back out the window when he does a double take. Blinking his eyes for the third time, the image is still there. Simon watches as Josh Bradley walks through the snow and into the coffee house.

“What?” He mumbles, standing up and shoving JJ out of the booth so he could go to the entrance. 

He stumbles past people who give him dirty looks but he ignores them. 

“Josh.” He calls, staring as the wind blown boy takes his scarf off. He looks around, wondering who has called his name. Finally his eyes land on Simon and something inside him switches. He walks out of line and shuffles towards Simon, a grin taking up his whole face.

“Holy shit.” He yells, scooping Simon up in arms and hugging him until he can barely breathe. Simon shoves his head into his shoulder and inhales the smell he was beginning to forget.

“What the hell are you doing here?” 

Josh laughs, his nose and cheeks red from the cold. “I’m moving back.” He says, grabbing at Simon’s arm. The two boys not wanting to be separated for a second. 

Tears spring to Simon’s eyes. “What?” 

Josh just nods and laughs, pulling him close again, “I was going to stop by later… after I got my coffee.” This time Simon is laughing as Josh is brushing away his tears.

“I realized that I don’t want to miss another Winter in London ever again.” 

Simon shakes his head, looking at the boy he thought he could survive without. 

He realizes that he was alive, not living. Right now, in this moment, seeing Josh’s light scatter of freckles he knew what it meant to be living. He vows from this moment on that he was never going to be without Josh Bradley ever again. Not caring who was looking, and not caring that technically Josh was still not out, he kisses him. Soft and slowly. He knew there would be time for him to kiss him hungrily. Maybe they'd be in Simon's room with the shadows of midnight casting dim hews throughout or they'd be in some grungy bar making out in the back as people stare at them. Or they'll be in Josh's dorm at university... maybe they'll be in their dorm. He pushes those thoughts away as he continues feeling Josh's lips on his. Seconds later they pull apart and look at each other with wide smiles and flushed cheeks. 

“The universe brought us to this coffee shop,” Josh adds a moment later, “You know that right.” 

Simon just laughs, “Maybe it’s fate.” he jokes, bringing him closer.

Josh just laughs, “Yeah,” He nods, letting their foreheads rest against each other. “A little something like fate.” 

 

 


End file.
